Close Call

Last night I wanted to get high.  I wanted to PNP.  I wanted to smoke meth and have crazy dirty sex all night long.  It was New Years Eve with two days off of work to follow. What a perfect set up!!  I started a new job, been working my ass off, and with 100 days sober just around the corner, I can say I’ve been abstinent just as long and it was getting, well, OLD.  I got on Scruff and I was ready to go.  Paulo has wanted me BAD and for a long long time. Paulo was HOT.  He said he was taking out the dog, ordering some grub-hub and would be ready in 45 minutes.  Exactly how long it would take me to get from my home in the suburbs to Edgewater.

What stopped me???  I guess a few things.  Someone on Scruff who knew I was off drugs asking how I was doing.  That was very good timing on his part.  I knew I had an appointment with my addiction counselor on Friday and would not be able to look her in the eye, actually I know I wouldn’t go, and I like Bonnie.  I’m not ready to let her down.  Marijuana and Chola.  Stoned and with a puppy in my lap, I was feeling way to lazy to actually go forward with my sleazy plan.  My family.  I just think of my brother and sister in law, also my nephew, and I don’t want to let them down.

I woke up this morning happy with my decision to stay home.  Happy to be clean still.  Happy to have went to sleep and woke up hungry.  Grateful for my puppy and kitten, and mostly my state of mind.  I was, however, disappointed a little that I still stay clean because of others.  I feel myself loosing that self respect that I thought I was getting back.  Here’s to Friday and a good session with Bonnie. Happy New Year

.one-lovely-blog-award1

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5 thoughts on “Close Call

  1. https://amalijaamalie.wordpress.com/2015/01/08/one-lovely-blog-award/

    You have been nominated. I don’t know you at all and I am a new follower of your blog – but I am loving it so far – so… I nominate you.

  2. A.C. Dominguez says:

    You are a very strong person and staying clean because of others makes that even more evident. I think it’s the ability to sacrifice that proves a person’s strength and choosing a better path because of someone else (or many someones) is a pretty huge sacrifice. I hope you find happiness in everything you do moving forward! And I am excited to continue reading your blog, I just gotta go back and read your older posts now! haha 😀

  3. m says:

    I love your honesty here. That’s a critical start in recovering from anything. I have to recommend against the self-medicate with pot thing though. I did it for a decade, convinced myself it wasn’t ‘really’ bad like those other drugs I used to do. But it still bit me in the ass and not in a fun way. It ended up being just another addiction for me, just replacing one drug with another. That is only my experience with it, I had no idea I could end up with full blown withdrawal from just pot, but I did and then learned it is much more common than once thought. Good work on your progress so far, every bit counts and 100+ days is amazing. Keep it up! (hugs)

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