I Am Me. Dolce, A Fucking Mess (About me, blogging 101 addition)

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At this moment, I am 34.  I live in Glen Ellyn, IL- a yuppy suburb west of Chicago.  This is where I grew up.  I moved back out here less then a year ago because I simply lost everything.  I blamed Crystal Meth for a long time however I could have stopped a lot of things from happening to me if I wasn’t over medicated on Zoloft and programed not to react.  I’m currently in an out patient drug rehab program out here on my own.  That seems to be the recurring theme in my life.  On my own.

Over a year ago I experienced a very dramatic separation from the person I should have been spending the rest of my life with.  Drugs were easy.  Recovering from this, is still a challenge. I left him and everything I achieved, worked, and sweat for behind and I had to start over.  The drugs were ruing my life,  They lied to me.  They cheated,  They made the two people I loved the most turn into complete monsters and showed me how quickly love becomes hate in the face of addiction.  One of those people was myself, and I struggle everyday to remember who I was when I used to love “me”.

I am a hair stylist. I love Mariah Carey.  I have a Chihuahua.  I self medicate with weed.  I blog to feel better, to know there are other people out there that understand me, and that maybe someday he will read something that will someday make him forgive me.

I’m a Zio. That’s Uncle in Italian.  When the road crumbles to stone and i can barley stay on the road anymore, I look in the rear view mirror and see that baby. He’s the reason that I chose to attempt to better my life.  Since I found out that my sister in law was pregnant I knew I wanted to be a better man then who i was, so all these changes are for the bigger picture.

I’m gay. I was thrown out of my home.  I’m poor.  I was an escort.  I’ve done porn and sold drugs.  I have always chose to live life on the bad side and I can’t do it anymore.  I am way to sensitive for this lifestyle and it was all killing me.  That’s why I went to Beauty School 10 years ago.  I’m good at what I do.  I have ADHD and refuse medication. (Can you tell?)  I want to feel independent again.  I want to feel free to write again.

That’s a little background on who I see in the mirror when I wake up everyday.  A little about me.

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7 thoughts on “I Am Me. Dolce, A Fucking Mess (About me, blogging 101 addition)

  1. Ray Aguilar says:

    Best of luck on your journey of recovery. As a guncle (That’s a gay uncle, LOL) I can tell you my nephews/nieces are the rocks on which I lean. They make life chaotic sometimes but mostly they make life worth living.

  2. Thanks for sharing this honest glimpse into your current state. Blogging is cathartic. And children can be a reminder that there is hope. Whatever it takes, use it all, as long as it takes you in a better direction.

  3. karahansen says:

    Wow. You’re brave to do this blog. I commend you! I wish I felt confident enough to let myself be “naked” like this. I am on the other side – the partner of an addict (who also has ADHD). I look forward to reading more about you and your road to independence.

  4. Its obvious that you are well in touch with you and I have to say that I like what I see here. Youve laid it all out. Vulnerability is the biggest block to all things worth living for. Youre done avoiding and numbing it. Youre tackling it all head on.
    Youre on your way!

  5. Yowza, Zio. You are laying it all out here. I can hear your authentic voice and the hope you have for yourself all the way down here in Austin. The road you are on is a tough one; sometimes it’s easier to stray from a tough road than to stay on it and do the fucking hard work. Peace and strength to you. I worked at as an Ally and a volunteer HIV tester/counselor @ an HIV/AIDS advocacy program in Portland not long ago. Among my clients were street kids who had been rejected by their families for not being straight, & guys who had self-medicated with pot, meth, pain meds, random anonymous sex, cutting. But there were others who had been through all of that and came out stronger and truer to themselves. Keep writing. Keep writing. Keep writing.

  6. […] too. One guy I came upon has a few different monkeys on his back, a big dose of humanity, and the courage to write about it […]

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