I was going to title this blog “Starting Over”. Since today has been a good day, and I’m feeling more optimistic now then when the idea originally sprung into my head, “Reinvention” became the title. To me, reinvention is a positive way of saying the latter. Reinvention also makes me think of Madonna. Love her or hate her, she symbolizes strength and originality to many people and I can’t deny her that.
Yesterday I posted a quote from another blog. “It really is remarkable how many time your heart can be broken without you actually dying.”
This got me thinking not only about romantic relationships that have broken my heart, but also life events that have left me heartbroken. I started to notice a pattern and realized this is not the first time I’ve found myself starting over after a broken heart. I switched high schools my junior year to get away from the kids that knew I was gay before I knew what that word was. I was the first gay person I ever knew and it was scary. I left John to move home and go to beauty school, to stop doing porn, and to stop escorting. Using my body for money was a way of life for five years. Tony and I moved to Florida together to escape the first part of our distrustful relationship, only to basically flee Florida for home to dissolve the second half. Which leads to me today.
Looking back on these big chapters of my life, I can faithfully expect to have at least that many more. Moving forward, these next chapters are going to be free of drug, physical, and emotional abuse. I want to promise myself this right now, on this blog, to the world. The next chapter is going to belong to me, and not the negative after thoughts of a co dependent person that relies on a relationship as a crutch.
I’m never going to say that I’m starting over again. Not after today. That sounds weak. This is a true reinvention.