Auto Biography Of An Addict Part 4 (Finding myself; the Meth myth)

Ater I graduated beauty school, I dove into my work.  I loved it, but most of all I needed a distraction from the stormy relationship I had with a controlling Italian named Tony.  I was so afraid of him.  I can’t even comprehend why I stayed with him as long as I did.  Maybe because he was hot, and not “gay” in the conventional form.  I stayed clean besides a few nights of binge drinking and smoking pot everyday, which now is not clean at all, however I gave up the hard shit.  I gave up the hard shit, not for myself but in fear of what my future would bring in dealing with the aftermath of Tony.  If I could diagnosis mental illness, I would say that he has some kind of split personality disorder.  He owned a bar, and drove a motorcycle.  Sexy right?  As if he wasn’t crazy enough, he started the Atkins diet and that was the end of our relationship.  The constant mood swings, along with the cheating that came along with him getting a new attention that he was never used to was finally enough heartache.  I built up the strength to walk away, and I don’t regret it, how ever I will always live with the side effects of the relationship.  The details of those five long years would take an eternity to write about and this is about me not him, so we shall move forward.

I eventually found myself living back in Chicago.  I may be from the boring west burbs of Chicago, but the city is the place I will always call home.  I have a deep connection to the gritty alleys and busted roads of Chicago where I was truly able to come of age.  After a bed bug disaster, I left the Lakeview neighborhood and headed back to Rogers Park.  Rogers Park IS my home and always will be.  Its the farthest neighborhood north of downtown Chicago and is Chicago’s only 100% beachfront community.  It’s also a bitch to get too.

I moved in Feb 1st and that evening we had the biggest blizzard to date in my lifetime.  Hundreds of cards were left stranded on Lakeshore drive when the snow came down so fast during rush hour traffic that no one could even get through.  Thankfully I didn’t own a car so that wasn’t me but I wanted to paint a picture of exactly how bad it was.  I was pretty much stranded to my new studio apartment with no furniture or even a bed.  Everything was thrown away after the bed bug extravaganza I encountered at the previous apartment.  It was just me and my laptop.

The shit that poor laptop has seen.  I belonged to every known website that I could think of that I could meet gay men on.  I was pretty much a whore that used my looks and “talents” from my previous job experience to earn acceptance and manipulate people to feed my ego.  Out of those, it was Craigslist that yet again, changed my life forever.  I met Marc.

Marc, who later would become my best friend, then later my worst enemy was a huge meth dealer.  At first I didn’t know this but I’m not an idiot.  I quickly put 2 and 2 together and discovered this on my own.  I only smoked pot with him in the beginning.  I found myself surrounded by this drug and was able to say “no thank you”.  Eventually I drank the Kool-Aid and no thank you became “more please”.  At first meth was the shit!  I stayed up all night and was an object of everyone’s affection.  The sex was good and out of control.  It was not uncommon to go over to Marc’s lair of lies and deceit and find multiple people laying around naked, watching porn on the big screen and others standing around conversing and watching, perhaps eventually joining in.  I find this hard to write about without feelings of euphoric recall flooding my brain.  With that said, I can’t spend too long even writing about the glory days of finding myself while under the influence of meth.

The people I met were a part of a secret underground clan of misfits from the city and this is were I belonged.  I started to prostitute again, for the fun and money.   I sold drugs.  I only hung out with the dealers thinking that was manipulating them with my body to get meth for free, but this manipulation was a two way street.  They used the drugs to manipulate me have sex with them.  On meth, even sex with a paper towel roll could be awesome.  This is the drug that made me loose my mind.  I tried to stop after I was dating my then boyfriend Jason.  He lied to me and continued to use.  I decided to leave him and started using again to get back at him.  Finally it all started to catch to me and I admitted to my brother the true nature of my wrongdoings and he moved me back into his home in the suburbs.

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