I hate that this is a “thing”. I hate that I have to believe in this, that I have no choice but to have faith in something bigger then myself. I hate that it’s seemingly true, that my so called life never seemed so hopeless in my 35 years as it was in July of 2015. I hate I’ll be turning 36 and I know for a fact that he won’t be there with me this year like he was last year. I hate how much I cried, how much it hurt and that I’m beginning to forget the worst pain I ever felt.
Sometimes I wake up and I feel OK, other days I get out of bed and I feel sad still. Recently I’ve been waking up and I feel angry, with an “its your loss” type attitude towards the only human being in the world that made me realize I was a monster. What is different here than other days is the simple fact that I actually “wake up”. I get up, I take a shower, I plan my day and move forward. On July 1st of 2015 this seemingly simple way to start the day wasn’t possible. The realization of what I became and who people saw me as in the world was crippling. One of my best friends said “I know that you feel like you will never be normal again, but trust me, you will.” I did trust her and I can tell you that she was right. Today I feel normal. I am not crippled by my guilt. I am anything but fake, and I’m not overly happy, and basking in the sunlight of new sobriety.
Life is still in a transition. I still live with my parents, and I’m still in school. Sometimes I feel like it’s never going to get better, or when it does, I won’t know how be responsible as an adult. I know my thoughts are opinions, not facts, but that doesn’t stop them from getting the best of me sometimes. Especially days I’m on a no carb diet, but that’s a completely different story for another day.
Even though I’m moving forward, and beginning to let go of the past, I know no matter how far ahead I get, it will haunt me forever. I may forget how painful it was to loose him, and no matter how scared I may be someday I will forget, It’s certain my scars will last forever, and I’ll never forget his name.