The holidays blow. It’s Depression Eve, the beginning of a season I have grown to hate. It’s the time of the year when you can find me alone at a family party or as the third wheel with my brother and sister in-law. I never thought that I’d be single at 35. I mean, EVERYONE LOVES ME!! For real, at this point I’m almost the full package. Whoa is me is the familiar song playing on repeat over the holiday season coming from my loud pie hole.
Today is January 22, and I’m already over it. I want to be alone. I choose to be alone, and most importantly, it has nothing to do with who wants me, Who do I want? I don’t want anyone. I’m the reason that I’m single and also the one who calls the shots when its time for a relationship to end.
I have so many things that I want to do in my life, that I know would be strongly compromised or influenced by someone if I was in a relationship. It took one hell of a long time for me to love the imperfect angel that is me, and I want to enjoy myself. Besides, its not fair to serial date anyone, knowing damn well I’ve never had real love in my life when I didn’t love myself. Back then I was searching for any soul to fill the void that I had in my own. It wasn’t until I realized that my soul didn’t need to be fed (I was getting nothing out of being a slut), but fixed and filled with only things that I could produce.
I’ve never been the type to fake being with anyone. Those relationships get boring very quick, as well as the ones with the boys that don’t quit. It sucks because If a celebrity millionaire fell in love with me, and I wasn’t in love with him, Id have to turn him down at the alter. Sure, I would do it for a few vacations and some nice high-tops, but at the end of the day, I could never spend the rest of my life with someone that I did not love, no matter who they were or how much money they had.
I don’t know what the future holds for me. I will remember that even though it may be another Thanksgiving without the paparazzi, that I’m OK and it’s going to be OK because I love myself and that’s the hardest thing to do.