It’s has taken me 7 months to be able to mention your name, to face reality instead of pretend that I never even met you. It’s been 7 months and I can finally say your name without beginning to cry. 7 whole months since I’ve loved somebody with all my being, even though it seemed like I only loved myself. I miss you.
Today is Valentines Day. Last year I remember that you came over to my apartment and brought me over my big stuffed dog. I named him “Jelly Bean”. That over the top, enormous stuffed dog became my pillow, as you know, and I slept with that guy every night until the end. After you left that day, I threw myself onto my bed and buried my face into Jelly Bean. I held on to him so tight, as I screamed into him, hopefully muffling my voice from the neighbors all around me. I have never cried so hard in my life. It was more then crying, it really was screaming. That dog absorbed more tears that night then I have produced all year. I still have him. To keep him in my room would have been a torturous reminder that you were gone, but i did put him in a large box, in my brothers attic. The attic itself is hard enough to be in because of all the time we spent together there. I was thinking today that I’m glad I still have him, just in case you do come back to me, he would represent a bridge connecting our past to out present, always reminding me of how much you mean to me.
Can you believe I have not worked on a single furniture project since July? I’m serious. I went into rehab 5 days after you left me. I spent most of the summer learning about myself and how to show up to be the man that I want to be in the world. I attended NA and became sober for the first time since I was 15. I have to tell you, because I think you will die. They told me that I checked in with the highest THC count they have ever seen. isn’t that crazy? It’s funny and embarrassing at the same time! I lost control of reality along time ago and saw how I used drugs to completely avoid that reality for many years. I did 101 days completely sober of everything, then decided I should be able to have a drink like a normal human being. I have also smoked here and there, but never at the capacity I was capable of before. I was diagnosed for having an extreme anxiety disorder, and that I was NOT bi-polar after all. My awesome doctor there changed all my medications and It feels good to actually feel “normal” again.
I am 7 weeks away from graduating school. I had to put it off twice because of rehab, but I’m so glad I did. I have the best class, and the best teacher. It also looks like there are a few positions available and I could be a teacher by April. TEACHING BY APRIL? Everything has happened so quickly. I am so busy. I still work at Vera’s and she is still crazy. I have a second job at the neighborhood chop shop (I’ll explain some other time), while managing school and student teaching. Who am I, right??
Everything has changed, and its changed because of you. I hope that I get to show you the man that I have become since you left me. I swear I think about you EVERYDAY. I miss you so bad it hurts. I hope you will miss me someday and call. I’m always waiting to hear your special ringtone go off. Someday I will. I know it. I love you.