It’s been a little over 11 months since you have talked to me. At this point, I have stopped trying to contact you. I’m used to the fact that you’re gone, and having to speak to you again at this moment would only throw a wrench in my life. Thar doesn’t mean that I don’t think about you still. It seems like it’s a daily thing, for you to cross my mind, but it’s usually just a passing thought that isn’t made up out of fear or guilt. I have not cried, nor have I felt empty without you near me in quite some time. It seems at the moment, dare I say, that I have learned to let go in order to move forward.
You wouldn’t even recognize the man that I have become. You helped push me to this point, but I did a lot of hard work on my own, and while some credit is yours for leaving me and opening my eyes to the reality of my addiction, most of the credit I take for myself. It’s only through hard work and perseverance that I was able to succeed.
Today I write this letter as a cosmetology teacher. I finished school at the top. I didn’t miss a day, not an hour. That right there would seem like a huge commitment but I knew that’s what I had to do, and while doing something that I loved, it seemed rather effortless. I made such a big impression that the school I attended hired me on at their campus to teach the cosmetology program. I have never felt more blessed then I have this past year. I have received two pay checks so far, both more then any other paycheck I’ve received in my life. On top of that, my company has given me a retirement fund, paid vacation and all the other benefits someone should have at my age. I’m trying to keep Vera’s one day a week. I can’t just yet let go of my clients or walk away from her. She has been there for me through this whole process of losing you and re establishing my life. It’s also time for me to save some money and move out of this house. It’s almost been a year also since I moved in with my family to also help me escape the loss I felt over you and to give me an outlet to set the stage for my personal growth. What I have accomplished in a year still makes me stop and shake my head in disbelief.
As long as I keep doing the next best thing for myself and the people around me, I’m going to be just fine. My new career awards me with such satisfaction. These kids really look up to me for the positive attitude I have and the experience I bring to the table. I still see Bonnie once a week and she also validates me on the progress I have made. I barley remember the boy that showed up to her office a year ago having a complete breakdown, just days before checking into rehab. Also, there is a boy, that just might be the one. I’m not going to let my fears sabotage this relationship like I have in the past. It’s brand new, but after last night I really feel closer to the possibility of having a “boyfriend”.
I’ll never forget you Joey. I’ll always thing about you. I hope for my sake that we do hold off on seeing each other again. This time I guess I need my space when not so long ago the obsession of seeing you one more time was all I could think about. It’s hard to say, but I can’t see you again. Not now. I don’t want to anymore. It has nothing to do with not loving you, it’s the fears of what emotions might be brought back up after all the hard work I’ve done to release those very emotions. I just need you to know that I’ll love you forever.
Love Always and I mean that….