2016. The Best year ever.

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Obviously the first thing I did before I came on here to recap my year, was to take a look back at my previous blog entries from this past year.  On the very first post, https://ziosattic.wordpress.com/2016/01/18/when-things-cant-get-any-worse-thats-when-they-start-to-get-better/  I came across a statement that fully described how I felt going into 2016…

“Life is still in a transition.  I still live with my parents, and I’m still in school.  Sometimes I feel like it’s never going to get better, or when it does, I won’t know how be responsible as an adult.  I know my thoughts are opinions, not facts, but that doesn’t stop them from getting the best of me sometimes.  Especially days I’m on a no carb diet, but that’s a completely different story for another day.”

With that said, all I can say back is that 2016 was the best year ever.  Or at least that I’ve had in the past 10 years.  In April, I graduated from school.  Immediately following my graduation I was offered a position teaching for the school I was doing my training at.  I was given the opportunity to go to Florida the day after I graduated.  I got to see my old friend Nathan from Ft. Myers on that vacation as well.  In July I got my own apartment with my own money and credit, using my charming personality and desire to always move forward as a driving force to get exactly what I wanted.  A new apartment in Oak Park.  In August, I went to Vegas and saw Mariah Carey!  A dream that the crack head 4 years ago wrote off as an impossible venture.  This vacation was the first time in years I felt free.  I got to feel like myself.  As well as everything was going, I was still struggling with the fact that dating was not my thing and was trying to get comfortable with that fact that I was going to be alone forever.  Then just like that, I met the man of my dreams.  I was able to love again.  The kinda love that makes your heart cramp, skip beats and feel so full, you’d think you would explode.   It’s been years since I could say those words, but I suddenly started to hear myself say those three dangerous words.  I love you.  As if that wasn’t enough, I bought a new car.  My down payment, my credit, my loan.  One more very important thing, Tony and I adopted a cat, Mars.

As far as my writing is concerned, I started my “Letters to Joey” series.  It has proved to be, and still will be a very therapeutic part of the creative process, allowing me to let go of what used to be, and fulfilling some undying need that I have to reach out to the guy that changed my life forever.  If it wasn’t for Joey, this amazing 2016 would have never happened.  This reality of mine would have never exsited if it wasn’t for three words from him.  Leave me alone.

Here’s t0 2017.  I hope to write a lot more.  I am planning on loving someone with my whole heart and not push love away.  Maintaining my lifestyle is all I hope to do this year, and continue to grow with the man I love.  Not on my own.  I’m going to be less selfish and I’m going to learn how to say no.  My biggest challenge is going to this relationship.  It’s going to be long term.  We are going to fight, there are going to be bad days, and I hope I’ve learned enough about life to handle all that comes my way with a grain of salt, to believe in love, and not let the small stuff ruin my day.  Happy 2017 readers, here it goes….

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“Dishes Are Done Man” and Other boy problems

This is the random quote of the day.  One of my students busted it out in the middle of wrapping a perm and I about fell on the floor.  Any 80’s baby knows that this line is from “Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitters Dead”.  For the nostalgia.

The entry below is from a draft I found of an old post.  I’m sure I intended to elaborate more on the subject, however I don’t remember exactly why I didn’t post it.  It bothers me because maybe two weeks after I wrote that, I came home after my Vegas vacation and broke off that relationship.  Just like that I didn’t like him anymore.  I’m posting it now because its weird that I felt those feelings for them to just stop.  What is WRONG with me??

I have been striking out so bad in the dating department.  It’s cause I’m picky, they are too young, too clingy, too boring, too much of a party…just too much.  My problem lies in becoming vulnerable.  I absolutely try to have complete control over my life and its understandable.  For so many years I had absolutely no control over my life.  Or so I thought.  I allowed drugs and my emotions to govern everything I did.  Now that I have taken my life back for myself, I don’t want to give up to anybody.  Until now…

Steven, within a week has made me feel all types things that I haven’t felt in years.  I mean years.  I don’t even know if I felt this way about Jason, considering my feelings for him were driven mostly through chemicals.  I would be proud and honored to call him my boyfriend.  I don’t see why he wouldn’t be in the near future.  I have felt so comfortable with him and already see that he really brings out the best in me.

So there it is.  I need to get it together.  Maybe I saw the Vegas light.  I know I did, and maybe this has more to do with it, than the guy I fucked around with when I was there.  Steven turned out to be the stalker type and was just another guy in love with an idea of me, and what I looked like rather then who I am.  He wanted to change me, he was attracted to that Britney Spears animal instinct that I have rather then the man that I am.  The problem is not with me.  The problem is letting people in before I know their intentions.  He was a waste of time.

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Letters to Joey….3

Hey Joey…

It’s your favorite time of the year, which of course is my least favorite time of the year.  Sooooo… I put up my Christmas tree this week and thought of you.  I remember you made a point to make sure I had a good Christmas the holiday we were together and you did.  I was nervous to put my tree up because the last time I had a tree up was our Christmas together and I knew there would be some keepsakes.  I came across the Chihuahua ornament.  Also was a photo card of you with your brothers.  There really are no words Joey.  I put the card on the tree.  You represent so much for me.   I  miss you so much.  I wanted to avoid the whole situation and leave the boxes all together in Dann’s attic, until Bonnie said to me “So you are telling me you are afraid of a box.”  When she put it that way, I had to face my anxiety to get over the situation.  Your memory keeps me going.  I hope that you saw the good in me and my potential because in the end, you are the one who brought it out in me.

 

Love Always, DD

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The “Boyfriend” Issue

Boys dating boys is where it all begins…

The last two “boyfriends” in my life fell to a similar fate.  Attraction was there first, then the dance.  That high school girl dance of “does he like me?”.  The jump in your stomach when you see a text come through with his name kind of dance.  The dance that happens while you are still actually thinking about what you should wear, especially when you usually prefer high tops at 36 years old.  All dances must come to an end.  After the dance, and the label of boyfriend comes into play, I immediately turn around and run away.  My love life can be easily summed up by listening to the smash Thomas Rhett hit, “Crash And Burn”.

The biggest excuse I use, is that I still miss Joey.  This is true, however it may not be the fact that I miss him that makes these “relationships” fail, but the simple fact that I do compare everyone to him.  Whatever it may be, I use this as an excuse, forever leaving Joey in my mind.  Perhaps that’s exactly where I should keep him, always recalling  how I played a hand in ruining his 2014, and how easily I can get someone attached to me and do the same to them.  It’s that damn Britney Spears sex appeal I have that I am always talking about.  Ooops I did it again…

For so long I didn’t feel right unless I was some ones boyfriend.  How embarrassing.  I’ll never forget how fucking scared I was with Tony.  The most insane part about that relationship is how I felt after it ended.  I honestly felt like a bird that realizes he has wings, but doesn’t know how to fly yet.  It was a whole new life, in a whole new world.  It was a phoenix process for sure.  Now, I hear the word boyfriend and I feel like someone just jumped up, grabbed that bird rising up from the ashes and cut it’s wings off.  Boom.  Just like that, grounded for LIFE.

You can blame it on Britney, or blame it on Joey, but always know the problem really lays with me.  If there is even a problem here at all.

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Letters to Joey…..2

Dear Joey,

It’s been a little over 11 months since you have talked to me.  At this point, I have stopped trying to contact you.  I’m used to the fact that you’re gone, and having to speak to you again at this moment would only throw a wrench in my life.  Thar doesn’t mean that I don’t think about you still.  It seems like it’s a daily thing, for you to cross my mind, but it’s usually just a passing thought that isn’t made up out of fear or guilt.  I have not cried, nor have I felt empty without you near me in quite some time.  It seems at the moment, dare I say, that I have learned to let go in order to move forward.

You wouldn’t even recognize the man that I have become.  You helped push me to this point, but I did a lot of hard work on my own, and while some credit is yours for leaving me and opening my eyes to the reality of my addiction, most of the credit I take for myself.  It’s only through hard work and perseverance that I was able to succeed.

Today I write this letter as a cosmetology teacher.  I finished school at the top.  I didn’t miss a day, not an hour.  That right there would seem like a huge commitment but I knew that’s what I had to do, and while doing something that I loved, it seemed rather effortless.  I made such a big impression that the school I attended hired me on at their campus to teach the cosmetology program.  I have never felt more blessed then I have this past year.  I have received two pay checks so far, both more then any other paycheck I’ve received in my life.  On top of that, my company has given me a retirement fund, paid vacation and all the other benefits someone should have at my age.  I’m trying to keep Vera’s one day a week.  I can’t just yet let go of my clients or walk away from her.  She has been there for me through this whole process of losing you and re establishing my life.  It’s also time for me to save some money and move out of this house.  It’s almost been a year also since I moved in with my family to also help me escape the loss I felt over you and to give me an outlet to set the stage for my personal growth.  What I have accomplished in a year still makes me stop and shake my head in disbelief.

As long as I keep doing the next best thing for myself and the people around me, I’m going to be just fine.  My new career awards me with such satisfaction.  These kids really look up to me for the positive attitude I have and the experience I bring to the table.  I still see Bonnie once a week and she also validates me on the progress I have made.  I barley remember the boy that showed up to her office a year ago having a complete breakdown, just days before checking into rehab.  Also, there is a boy, that just might be the one.  I’m not going to let my fears sabotage this relationship like I have in the past.  It’s brand new, but after last night I really feel closer to the possibility of having a “boyfriend”.

I’ll never forget you Joey.  I’ll always thing about you.  I hope for my sake that we do hold off on seeing each other again.  This time I guess I need my space when not so long ago the obsession of seeing you one more time was all I could think about.  It’s hard to say, but I can’t see you again.  Not now.  I don’t want to anymore.  It has nothing to do with not loving you, it’s the fears of what emotions might be brought back up after all the hard work I’ve done to release those very emotions.  I just need you to know that I’ll love you forever.

Love Always and I mean that….

DD

 

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Why do I still think of you? 

I can’t get you off my mind. I can’t let the guilt go. I refuse to let go. Yesterday and today have been rough, and I’m on the verge of tears. I know what I can do. I can  smile at everyone I see and try to make someone’s day. I know I’ve made tremendous progress on becoming the man I want to be but the further I move forward the more I want you to see what I’ve accomplished. I need to realize however that I made these changes for myself. Not you. You won’t be back. You don’t want to know me anymore. I will learn to accept it. I have no choice. 

Letters to Joey….1

Dear Joey,

It’s has taken me 7 months to be able to mention your name, to face reality instead of pretend that I never even met you.  It’s been 7 months and I can finally say your name without beginning to cry.  7 whole months since I’ve loved somebody with all my being, even though it seemed like I only loved myself.  I miss you.

Today is Valentines Day.  Last year I remember that you came over to my apartment and brought me over my big stuffed dog.  I named him “Jelly Bean”.  That over the top, enormous stuffed dog became my pillow, as you know, and I slept with that guy every night until the end.  After you left that day, I threw myself onto my bed and buried my face into Jelly Bean.  I held on to him so tight, as I screamed into him, hopefully muffling my voice from the neighbors all around me.  I have never cried so hard in my life.  It was more then crying, it really was screaming.  That dog absorbed more tears that night then I have produced all year.  I still have him.  To keep him in my room would have been a torturous reminder that you were gone, but i did put him in a large box, in my brothers attic.  The attic itself is hard enough to be in because of all the time we spent together there.  I was thinking today that I’m glad I still have him, just in case you do come back to me, he would represent a bridge connecting our past to out present, always reminding me of how much you mean to me.

Can you believe I have not worked on a single furniture project since July?  I’m serious.  I went into rehab 5 days after you left me.  I spent most of the summer learning about myself and how to show up to be the man that I want to be in the world.  I attended NA and became sober for the first time since I was 15.  I have to tell you, because I think you will die.  They told me that I checked in with the highest THC count they have ever seen.  isn’t that crazy?  It’s funny and embarrassing at the same time!  I lost control of reality along time ago and saw how I used drugs to completely avoid that reality for many years.  I did 101 days completely sober of everything, then decided I should be able to have a drink like a normal human being.  I have also smoked here and there, but never at the capacity I was capable of before.  I was diagnosed for having an extreme anxiety disorder, and that I was NOT bi-polar after all.  My awesome doctor there changed all my medications and It feels good to actually feel “normal” again.

I am 7 weeks away from graduating school.  I had to put it off twice because of rehab, but I’m so glad I did.  I have the best class, and the best teacher.  It also looks like there are a few positions available and I could be a teacher by April.  TEACHING BY APRIL?  Everything has happened so quickly.  I am so busy. I still work at Vera’s and she is still crazy.  I have a second job at the neighborhood chop shop (I’ll explain some other time), while managing school and student teaching.  Who am I, right??

Everything has changed, and its changed because of you.  I hope that I get to show you the man that I have become since you left me.  I swear I think about you EVERYDAY.  I miss you so bad it hurts.  I hope you will miss me someday and call.  I’m always waiting to hear your special ringtone go off.  Someday I will.  I know it.  I love you.

 

Love Always,

D.D.

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Bad boys ain’t no good and good boys ain’t no fun

Of course this is the quote by some unknown (to me) author that dominates as my cover photo on my guilty pleasure known as Facebook.  It reinforces another saying that I live by: “The grass is always greener on the other side”.  This may partially explain my need for perfecting the grass inspired shade of green that I like to keep my hair.  Ironically, I just had to stop writing to take a hair cut, and my client asked me “why green?”, and I used the statement from above as an answer.

There is an AMAZING song by Sara Evans that really hits home for me.  I know I’m not alone, that I live in a world full of dreamers.  There is a huge handful of people in the world that will never feel satisfied.  I don’t think that’s always a bad thing, especially if that drives you to keep perfecting your life and promotes emotional and physical growth.  I’m just as curious about life as I was when I was 16 and knew nothing about the big bad world.  The song is called “I Keep Looking”.

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I Keep Looking

By Sara Evans

Back when I was young
Couldn’t wait to grow up
Get away and get out on my own
And looking back now
Ain’t it funny how
I’ve been trying to get back home, yeah

When my low self esteem
Needs a man loving me
And I find me a perfect catch
Then I see my friends
Having wild weekends
Then I don’t want to get quite so attached
Just as soon as I get what I want
I get unsatisfied
Good is good but could be better

I keep looking, I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what’s on the other side
Of the number two door
I keep looking
Looking for something more

Well, the straight haired girls
They all want curls
And the brunettes want to be blonde
It’s your typical thing
You got ying you want yang
It just goes on and on
They say, hey, it’s only human
To never be satisfied
Well I guess that I’m as human as the next one

Oh, I keep looking
I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what’s on the other side
Of the number two door
Yeah, I keep looking
Looking for something more

Just as soon as I get what I want
I get unsatisfied
Hey, good is good but could be better

I keep looking
I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what’s on the other side
Of the number two door
I keep looking
Looking for something more
Oh, looking for something more

Songwriters: SARA EVANS, TOM SHAPIRO, TONY MARTIN
© Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
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325.16 Hours

Hell yeah!  I am 325.16 hours into a 600 hour educators course to be able to teach cosmetology.  I started in October and should be done in April.  This seemingly short space of time has seemed like an eternity, with 1000 years still ahead of me.  It would not seem so long if I wasn’t part of a growing trend called “thirtysomethings moving in with the parents”.  A.K.A. Hell.  Notice how I refer this to a “growing trend”. I have no problem being just like everyone else if that means living at home with your parents is normal.  Call me basic if you must.

It’s not that living with my parents is hell.  They are great.  I get to eat, sleep, and do laundry for free.  Also they have tried to make it as comfortable as possible for me.  It’s being 35, and living with your parents that I have a problem with.  Take away a mans independence and you might as well leave him to die.  Most of my ego was surrounded by my apartment, and the pieces of furniture I built, refurbished, or broke on my own.

The craziest part of all, is that it’s almost done.  I will be able to move sooner then later as I wrap up school.  Three months from now I can guarantee that my life is going to be different then it is today.  Time will tell what that change will be but I can guarantee  that I have no clue where I will be.  Whatever happens to lie ahead for me, I can promise you one thing: I earned it.  Not only because of the amount of work I put in to be here right now, but because I truly believe that we choose our own destiny.

I can only hope that the next 274.84 hours fly by just as much and are as enjoyable as the first 325.16 were!!

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The Attention Whore

Clearly we are talking about myself.  That’s all I ever talk about on my blog.  Me, myself, and I.    As far as I know, I’ve always been this way.  I’ve always demanded attention and I got it.  I still do.  As a little kid I was always talking, always wanting to be center stage.  The incomparable Britney Spears sings “All eyes on me, in the center of the ring, just like a circus…”, “All of the boys, and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy (F U C K ME), and of course my favorite song from her crazy days, “and the crowd is screaming gimmie gimmie more…”.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I have a lot in common with Britney Spears.

I know what it feels like for everyone to want to know me.  To be popular.  I know what its like to not feel that way too.  I changed my image.  I created the person I am today by taking bits and pieces of the people I wanted to be.  If people hate me, they are probably jealous.  Any press is good press.  I’m an ego maniac.  It comes at a price.  My amount of close friends is limited.  I’m afraid  to let people in and know the “real me”.  I don’t think I fully trust anyone, because I know there are people that love to watch me fall.  I’m pure entertainment in all forms of the word.  It fuels me.  It keeps me alive.  The older I get I watch the ways I seek out attention change.  My career path.  Being an educator, a whole new outlet for people to look up to me.  This time its a positive change.

When I had no self esteem something grabbed my attention and changed me.  It sounds sick, gross, immoral, and wrong.  Everything I wanted at the time.  I became an escort.  Never number one, but always number 2 as far as requests.  People wanted me.  It was refreshing.  I got off on the fact that these men wanted me so bad.  It turned me on to be wanted for the show.  Doing porn came natural.  It was a job.  I was entertaining.  My body became a commodity.  Something for sale.  Sex meant nothing other then money.  Lots of it.  I pretended to be something different to each client.  The stories I came up with on my way to a call glorified the situation.  I loved playing a character and being someone that I wasn’t.  I guess I didn’t love the real me, but I’d never trade that time of my life for anything.  No regrets.

I’m desired.  I’ve never felt love.  No one has loved me.  They have desired me.  Lust, not love.  I don’t think I’ll ever know what it feels like to be loved.  Its my fault, I don’t do anything to be loved.  I push everyone way.  It’s what I do.  It’s my “thing”.

I get what I want so its not all so bad.  I get the job, I get the boy almost EVERY time.  My Tinder is blowing up and my stalkers are at an all time high.  I can’t be in a relationship because I don’t want to loose my fans.  I’m a mess!! Sometimes I hate myself and that’s crazy because a lot of people would want to be me, look like me.  Beauty comes at a price.  The problem with me is that I always want something more.  More from myself, more from a relationship, more from life.  I’ll never be content, however I’m not sure that I’ll even want to be complacent in where I am and what I am doing.  It’s me, a free spirit.

I get scared of what is in store for me when my looks fade.  I’m all ready getting fat and developing old age spots on my face from too much tanning.  Will my personality be enough? Will I be able to inspire people with my knowledge of life?  Will I die alone?  Is that so bad anyways?  Who knows.  God knows.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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