It’s my mother fuckin’ birthday! It’s my damn birthday. Who really is excited to turn 37. What the hell kinda joke is 37? Has anyone even anticipated their 37th birthday? Shit. Has anyone ever anticipated a birthday after 21? That was so long ago I can’t even answer that question.
My thirties have been odd. I finally had a birthday without Tony, and then I decided to take my drug use to a whole new level and call in an addiction. I created an empire around a drug called meth, sitting on top of the world, or so I thought, and then unexpectedly got knocked down so low, I couldn’t get up without help from rehab, outpatient, family and friends. I lost not one, but three “best friends” in a year while repairing relationships with people I thought I lost a long time ago. I wanted to die, I thought I would die, I KNEW I would die, and then I saved myself. I got stuck some place in between young and old, daddy status and being a daddy chaser. I recovered, but never really felt whole until a Vegas vacation changed my view of life. Right when I got comfortable being alone, I met the man that I plan on spending the rest of my life with. That’s how the story goes. Today I don’t feel like I have all the answers. I’m smart enough to know that I won’t have those answers tomorrow either. I went back to school, and started a new career, going from being my own boss to having 50 bosses and living in constant fear that I may loose my job because my maturity level won’t ever match my age. Basically, I’m growing up.
My wish for myself if that I continue to see the progress made and not to backtrack ruminating about my life that has passed. Sometimes the lines between being an addict that’s on top of the world, even if its superficial, and being this new, seemingly boring version of myself get dangerously close. Thank god someone taught me how to play the tape through, always saving the day when I think I want to go back to the thrill and excitement of the games I used to play, and the playgrounds I played them on.
I may not have what other people my age have, but I’m only aware of the world around me because I stopped doing drugs. I have a hell of a lot more then I had two years ago and that is a FACT. Everything else is just a thought or opinion that needs to be shut down on the bad days that I have them.
I need to promise myself this: I promise to continue to grow and not let minor set backs break me. I promise to not be afraid to say what I feel, and to always do my best with my relationships I have and the people around me. I promise to not get upset about not being perfect. I promise to continue to be weird and eccentric for these are the qualities that make me who I am. If I can’t be myself at 37 I never will be. A fool at 40 is a fool forever, and my momma didn’t raise no fool.