Tag Archives: #addict

Happy Birthday Fool

It’s my mother fuckin’ birthday!  It’s my damn birthday.  Who really is excited to turn 37.  What the hell kinda joke is 37? Has anyone even anticipated their 37th birthday?  Shit.  Has anyone ever anticipated a birthday after 21?  That was so long ago I can’t even answer that question.

My thirties have been odd.  I finally had a birthday without Tony, and then I decided to take my drug use to a whole new level and call in an addiction. I created an empire around a drug called meth, sitting on top of the world, or so I thought, and then unexpectedly got knocked down so low, I couldn’t get up without help from rehab, outpatient, family and friends.  I lost not one, but three “best friends” in a year while repairing relationships with people I thought I lost a long time ago.  I wanted to die, I thought I would die, I KNEW I would die, and then I saved myself.  I got stuck some place in between young and old, daddy status and being a daddy chaser.  I recovered, but never really felt whole until a Vegas vacation changed my view of life.  Right when I got comfortable being alone, I met the man that I plan on spending the rest of my life with.  That’s how the story goes.  Today I don’t feel like I have all the answers.  I’m smart enough to know that I won’t have those answers tomorrow either.  I went back to school, and started a new career, going from being my own boss to having 50 bosses and living in constant fear that I may loose my job because my maturity level won’t ever match my age.  Basically, I’m growing up.

My wish for myself if that I continue to see the progress made and not to backtrack ruminating about my life that has passed.  Sometimes the lines between being an addict that’s on top of the world, even if its superficial, and being this new, seemingly boring version of myself get dangerously close.  Thank god someone taught me how to play the tape through, always saving the day when I think I want to go back to the thrill and excitement of the games I used to play, and the playgrounds I played them on.

I may not have what other people my age have, but I’m only aware of the world around me because I stopped doing drugs.  I have a hell of a lot more then I had two years ago and that is a FACT.  Everything else is just a thought or opinion that needs to be shut down on the bad days that I have them.

I need to promise myself this:  I promise to continue to grow and not let minor set backs break me.  I promise to not be afraid to say what I feel, and to always do my best with my relationships I have and the people around me. I promise to not get upset about not being perfect.  I promise to continue to be weird and eccentric for these are the qualities that make me who I am.  If I can’t be myself at 37 I never will be.  A fool at 40 is a fool forever, and my momma didn’t raise no fool.

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Learning Love

So I’m in this relationship thing, right??  Yesterday was the big 3 month mark of being “official”.  It might sound crazy to you, because it IS crazy, but we have been living together for almost that same amount of time.  Even before he officially moved in with me, we were together every day and every night.  I didn’t want it any other way.  I still don’t want it any other way.  He’s my life.  I have never seen such a real future with anyone like I do when I look into his eyes.

I’m emotional.  I’m an over thinker.  Both of these can break me, unless I use the tools that I have to stop myself from ruining something beautiful.  I just now realized something that can put a lot of things in perspective.  This is my first sober relationship.  On top of being my first sober relationship, this is also my first healthy relationship.  This is my first REAL relationship.  I was petrified of the first one, and was a drug addict for the second one.  How could I look at these relationships as comparable to the one that I’m in?

Three months to me is a big deal, because when  I make it to three months, I make it to a year.  The past two weeks were a little rough on me to say the least.  I was questioning everything.  The dynamic of the relationship has started to change and my guy isn’t really a communicator. It seemed to me at the time that the romance was dying and it crushed me because that man was the most romantic person I have ever been with.  He had all the right things to say and always at the right time.  After a few failed attempts of communicating my way, I didn’t know what to do.  I just wanted my boyfriend back.

While the physical and romantic part of the relationship was subsiding, something new was happening.  He was becoming my best friend and I was too caught up in my emotions to even realize it.  When it comes to him, I know I will never give up, so I waited things out.  I never have doubted his love for me.  It was worth it.  It was worth feeling that feeling again when he grabbed my hand to hold it while sitting on the couch.  It was worth it to be with him on his important 1 year sober anniversary.  It was worth it to be able to feel him kiss my neck on the escalator while shopping at Kohls. I love him.

I’m learning not to over think things.  I’m trying to learn the best way to communicate with him without letting my emotions over take me.  I want him to learn how to communicate with me as well.   I’m learning how to love the right way, for love is a lot more then the crazy feelings you go through at the beginning of a relationship.  It’s more then I can even write or comprehend.  I want us to be together forever, but for now I will take it one day at a time.

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Letters to Joey….4

Oh Joey,

Happy New Year.  You know what you did?  You set me up to have one hell of a 2016.  I even got a post about it calling it 2016. The Best year ever.  Thank you.  I know you did what you did so you could save yourself, but boy did you ever save me.  I can never loose the memory of what it felt like to loose you.  To loose EVERYTHING.  In rehab they taught us to “play the tape through”, meaning when you start to romanticize about how it felt to get high, be high, you play that tape through in your head all the way to the end.  My tape always ends with you.  I never want to feel like I felt when you closed the door on me that hot July day.

It’s CRAZY how far removed I feel from that crack head of a mess that lived at 413 Main St. It nuts how much someone can actually grow the fuck up when they sober up and stop doing drugs.  July 6 will mark 2 years since I gave up on the old me and started to become the man that everyone knows today.  I wish I could go back in time to prevent July 1, 2015 from ever happening, but it happened for the best.

I hear you got a boyfriend.  Dann likes to throw little “Joey” comments out there once in a while.  You know what an insensitive dick he can be sometimes.  I’m happy for you.  I hope its everything that I wanted you to find.  I knew you could find more then I ever was back then.  It still sucks and hurts a little that you won’t talk to me.  I wish you could see me today.  I bet I’m more then you could have imagined I could become, however a part of me believes that you always saw the potential that I had.  I also am dating someone.  It’s more then that.  I love him.  He has the same birthday as you.  He’s moving in and everything which is a huge step for me!  We adopted a cat named Mars and it was a little bittersweet because it of course reminded me of Chola and Sherwin and how quickly I was able to loose my “family” before, but I’m a different guy now.  I really feel like time works itself out and Anthony came into my life at the perfect time.

We both have back rounds in addiction.  He’s almost a year clean.  It scares me.  I don’t know how you put up with me.  Not only were you patient, but you believed that I could stop using Meth.  I mean, fuck, you didn’t even know what it was until you met me.  I am not sure at all how I would handle if Anthony went back out again.  That’s one of the scariest parts of this relationship.  I do, however, believe strongly in him.  I’m pretty intuitive and my gut tells me that it’s gonna be me and him for a long time.  It’s hard though knowing that the kind of trouble I got in, he did also.  I was so damn manipulative though, the worst human EVER.  I tattooed it on my arm even!  I get all quiet when something about drugs comes up in conversation.  It’s like I obviously know we did them, but I just can’t talk about it.  Not with him.  I don’t want to know who he was then.  I don’t want to think of him as that guy because he isn’t.  I’m not an idiot and can figure out on my own what kinda bullshit went down.  In fact, it gets me angry.  Maybe jealous.  Anger is a secondary emotion so maybe that’s what I’m feeling.  Regardless, its hard for me in general to talk about drugs with other users.

On my front door I still have my little blue key that you gave me.  That’s probably one of the most sentimental things that I have today.   I got a new car, and now that my apartment is about to become OUR apartment when he moves in, I’m going to move it to my car.  You keep me clean.  You still keep me sober.  You made me better for him.  I miss you everyday.  I hope this is the year I get to see you again.

Love Always,  DD

 

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The Trouble With Love Is…

The Trouble With Love Is- Kelly Clarkson

Music is my best friend.  It always has, and always will be until the end of my days.  Any time of my life that I felt discouraged, felt like I didn’t belong, felt like I was all alone in the world with my thoughts or feelings, music was right there letting me know that my feelings were valid.  I don’t know if it’s my personality or the burden of being a Pisces, but I’ve always been an overly emotional and sensitive person.

One thing that I noticed worked very well for me over the past few years in suppressing some of the crippling emotions that take me over was staying single.  Even when I was dating, no one and I mean NO ONE had my 100 percent attention the way that Anthony does.  In fact, I know that part of the success of 2016 was that I didn’t allow myself to fall in love.  There was no one really worth falling in love with.  I had confidence and knew my self worth.  With that said, having finally met my match, I find myself feeling a rage of emotions that I haven’t had to feel in many years.  Love, desire, adoration, just to name a few.  Along with the good also comes the bad.  Insecurity, feeling vulnerable and what I consider to be the ugliest emotion: Jealousy.

Even though I let my thoughts run wild sometimes, music teaches me not only that I will be OK, but also that I am far from alone.  Think about it.  Not only does the artist who is writing or preforming the song have the same feelings as I do, but also enough people in the general population feel these feelings for it to even become a contender for a place on an album.  Sometimes these masterpieces even become number 1 singles, further proving one fact.  You are not alone.

In conclusion, I am not alone in love.  It’s natural to feel the good and the bad.  As long as I know that I love him and at the end of the day I know that he loves me, we will continue to grow and move forward in our relationship.  Love IS being vulnerable.  If I wasn’t vulnerable then I would be incapable of feeling love.  I love Anthony, and I’m going to give this all that I got.

 

The Trouble With Love Is

Love can be a many splendored thing
Can’t deny the joy it brings
A dozen roses, diamond rings
Dreams for sale and fairy tales
It’ll make you hear a symphony
And you just want the world to see
But like a drug that makes you blind
It’ll fool ya every time

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It’s stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

Now I was once a fool it’s true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world’s a deeper blue
I’m sadder but I’m wiser too
I swore I’d never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn’t worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It’s stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

Every time I turn around
I think I’ve got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin’
And I keep on fallin’
Over and over again
The sad story always ends the same
Me standin’ in the pourin’ rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It’s stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

Songwriters: EVAN A. ROGERS, CARL ALLEN STURKEN, KELLY BRIANNNE CLARKSON
© Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Universal Music Publishing Group
For non-commercial use only.
Data from: LyricFind
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Countdown of tears

I remember back in 2010, before I decided to become a meth addict and after I left Tony, the day that I decided it was time to live on my own again.  It was such a surreal day, walking into my sun drenched studio on Pine Grove Ave.  From my window I could see the Chicago Cubs sign that glowed above the entrance to the bleachers section of Wrigley Field.  In fact, when there was a night game, the bright lights illuminated the hallway of my building, casting unusual shadows on the imperfections of the plaster walls as I approached my door after a long day of cutting hair.  Looking back, this is when I created a new identity that somewhat still defines me today.  It’s the beginning of an era when I stopped worrying about what people thought of me and started to love myself.  Up until this point I was still that scared little boy that hid in the shadows of insecurity an uncertainty.  Recovering from the wounds inflicted by life, becoming a target for someone like Tony to sweep down and catch as prey.

I really miss the guy I was then.  He died forever when I moved to Rogers Park and met what I can metaphorically refer to as “The Devil”.  This label can easily describe a few different things that lead to the fall of the strong man that I was starting to become.  The Devil could be Marc, Peter, Mike Northwestern, or the evil life changing drug itself: Crystal Meth.

It’s 2017, and I was able to escape death by a narrow margin.  I sometimes don’t know why I did survive the fate that I truly welcomed at one point in time but I did.  the things that I saw, the other things that I did and those experiences will haunt me forever.  My innocence was taken from me, something that I will never get back.  I’m happy and proud to be the man that I am, but a huge part of me will always wonder who I could have been if I never hit that pipe.  If I never stuck that needle in my arm, who would I be today?

My boyfriend today has a similar background.  He has felt the pain I have felt, and along with that pain comes the pleasure too.  It’s hard for me to think about that too long.  I don’t want to think about the man that I love being in any of the truly immoral situations I was ever in.  If I’ve had an infinite number of sexual partners then the truth is that he probably has also.  My thoughts get preoccupied on the idea that I will never be good enough, that I could never be better then that high.  Can two addicts recover together or will there always be this demon lurking in the dark part of our being that will want to come out and try to sabotage the love that we have for each other?  Is this real? Did I really find the man I am going to be with forever, because that’s what it feels like.  It feels amazing.  It feels scary.

I’m going to continue to move forward down the cracked brick road of recovery.   Maybe I did loose my innocence through the process of self discovery and had a taste of the dark side, but that has made me who I am today.  Who knows, maybe the desire I have always had, the desire to self destruct will never return now that I fed the thirsty part of my tarnished soul.  Now I can focus on being the best boyfriend, brother, teacher, uncle and son that I was meant to me, because I already know what its like to be the worst and I never want to meet that man again.

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Letters to Joey…..2

Dear Joey,

It’s been a little over 11 months since you have talked to me.  At this point, I have stopped trying to contact you.  I’m used to the fact that you’re gone, and having to speak to you again at this moment would only throw a wrench in my life.  Thar doesn’t mean that I don’t think about you still.  It seems like it’s a daily thing, for you to cross my mind, but it’s usually just a passing thought that isn’t made up out of fear or guilt.  I have not cried, nor have I felt empty without you near me in quite some time.  It seems at the moment, dare I say, that I have learned to let go in order to move forward.

You wouldn’t even recognize the man that I have become.  You helped push me to this point, but I did a lot of hard work on my own, and while some credit is yours for leaving me and opening my eyes to the reality of my addiction, most of the credit I take for myself.  It’s only through hard work and perseverance that I was able to succeed.

Today I write this letter as a cosmetology teacher.  I finished school at the top.  I didn’t miss a day, not an hour.  That right there would seem like a huge commitment but I knew that’s what I had to do, and while doing something that I loved, it seemed rather effortless.  I made such a big impression that the school I attended hired me on at their campus to teach the cosmetology program.  I have never felt more blessed then I have this past year.  I have received two pay checks so far, both more then any other paycheck I’ve received in my life.  On top of that, my company has given me a retirement fund, paid vacation and all the other benefits someone should have at my age.  I’m trying to keep Vera’s one day a week.  I can’t just yet let go of my clients or walk away from her.  She has been there for me through this whole process of losing you and re establishing my life.  It’s also time for me to save some money and move out of this house.  It’s almost been a year also since I moved in with my family to also help me escape the loss I felt over you and to give me an outlet to set the stage for my personal growth.  What I have accomplished in a year still makes me stop and shake my head in disbelief.

As long as I keep doing the next best thing for myself and the people around me, I’m going to be just fine.  My new career awards me with such satisfaction.  These kids really look up to me for the positive attitude I have and the experience I bring to the table.  I still see Bonnie once a week and she also validates me on the progress I have made.  I barley remember the boy that showed up to her office a year ago having a complete breakdown, just days before checking into rehab.  Also, there is a boy, that just might be the one.  I’m not going to let my fears sabotage this relationship like I have in the past.  It’s brand new, but after last night I really feel closer to the possibility of having a “boyfriend”.

I’ll never forget you Joey.  I’ll always thing about you.  I hope for my sake that we do hold off on seeing each other again.  This time I guess I need my space when not so long ago the obsession of seeing you one more time was all I could think about.  It’s hard to say, but I can’t see you again.  Not now.  I don’t want to anymore.  It has nothing to do with not loving you, it’s the fears of what emotions might be brought back up after all the hard work I’ve done to release those very emotions.  I just need you to know that I’ll love you forever.

Love Always and I mean that….

DD

 

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Thansgiving without the Paparazzi

The holidays blow.  It’s Depression Eve, the beginning of a season I have grown to hate.  It’s the time of the year when you can find me alone at a family party or as the third wheel with my brother and sister in-law. I never thought that I’d be single at 35.  I mean, EVERYONE LOVES ME!!  For real, at this point I’m almost the full package.  Whoa is me is the familiar song playing on repeat over the holiday season coming from my loud pie hole.

Today is January 22, and I’m already over it.  I want to be alone.  I choose to be alone, and most importantly, it has nothing to do with who wants me, Who do I want?  I don’t want anyone.  I’m the reason that I’m single and also the one who calls the shots when its time for a relationship to end.

I have so many things that I want to do in my life, that I know would be strongly compromised or influenced by someone if I was in a relationship.  It took one hell of a long time for me to love the imperfect angel that is me, and I want to enjoy myself.  Besides, its not fair to serial date anyone, knowing damn well I’ve never had real love in my life when I didn’t love myself.  Back then I was searching for any soul to fill the void that I had in my own.  It wasn’t until I realized that my soul didn’t need to be fed (I was getting nothing out of being a slut), but fixed and filled with only things that I could produce.

I’ve never been the type to fake being with anyone.  Those relationships get boring very quick, as well as the ones with the boys that don’t quit.  It sucks because If a celebrity millionaire fell in love with me, and I wasn’t in love with him, Id have to turn him down at the alter.  Sure, I would do it for a few vacations and some nice high-tops, but at the end of the day, I could never spend the rest of my life with someone that I did not love, no matter who they were or how much money they had.

I don’t know what the future holds for me.  I will  remember that even though it may be another Thanksgiving without the paparazzi, that I’m OK and it’s going to be OK because I love myself and that’s the hardest thing to do.

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When things cant get any worse, thats when they start to get better

I hate that this is a “thing”.  I hate that I have to believe in this, that I have no choice but to have faith in something bigger then myself.  I hate that it’s seemingly true, that my so called life never seemed so hopeless in my 35 years as it was in July of 2015.  I hate I’ll be turning 36 and I know for a fact that he won’t be there with me this year like he was last year.  I hate how much I cried, how much it hurt and that I’m beginning to forget the worst pain I ever felt.

Sometimes I wake up and I feel OK, other days I get out of bed and I feel sad still.  Recently I’ve been waking  up and I feel angry, with an “its your loss” type attitude towards the only human being in the world that made me realize I was a monster.  What is different here than other days is the simple fact that I actually “wake up”.  I get up, I take a shower, I plan my day and move forward.  On July 1st of 2015 this seemingly simple way to start the day wasn’t possible.  The realization of what I became and who people saw me as in the world was crippling.  One of my best friends said “I know that you feel like you will never be normal again, but trust me, you will.” I did trust her and I can tell you that she was right.  Today I feel normal.  I am not crippled by my guilt.  I am anything but fake, and I’m not overly happy, and basking in the sunlight of new sobriety.

Life is still in a transition.  I still live with my parents, and I’m still in school.  Sometimes I feel like it’s never going to get better, or when it does, I won’t know how be responsible as an adult.  I know my thoughts are opinions, not facts, but that doesn’t stop them from getting the best of me sometimes.  Especially days I’m on a no carb diet, but that’s a completely different story for another day.

Even though I’m moving forward, and beginning to let go of the past, I know no matter how far ahead I get, it will haunt me forever.  I may forget how painful it was to loose him, and no matter how scared I may be someday I will forget, It’s certain my scars will last forever, and I’ll never forget his name.

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Skin (Writing 201 Assignment 3)

Have you ever been uncomfortable in the skin you were in?  They say that beauty is only skin deep, but emotions will creep and show you all the layers.  My skin has many layers and they all show beauty.  It’s my duty to love all the layers of my skin.  The addict one, the white one, the gay one, and the tan one.  Anyone?  Love all the layers of their skin?  We must learn to water our spiritual garden or our soul and skin will harden.  I will try, without bargain, to love all the layers of my skin.

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Legacy Club (Memoirs of a Vacation 2)

I almost took a bus to Toledo.  Thank the God of my understanding that I didn’t.  Hehe, just a little NA humor there.  I decided to take the Amtrak and leave from Chicago’s Union Station.  Upon checking in, I had to ask for the comfort pack which includes a blanket, head pillow, ear plugs and an eye mask.  I’ll probably use none of the above but I’m a sucker for an upgrade.  Dolce70615 on Instagram has a minute by minute, play by play photo diary of my trip.  I’m also a sucker for a VIP upgrade.  I get to wait in the Legacy Lounge rather then sit on the long wooden benches in the loud and echo crazy Great Hall.  Free WIFI, snacks, TV, comfort seating and charging stations.  I’m living the dream, and they just made an extra 20 bucks.  I got to tour the old barber shop that used to be part of this VIP waiting room in the 1930’s-1960’s.  I think there is something nostalgic and magical about taking the train.  Maybe its my complimentary SANPELLEGRINO that’s doing the talking,  maybe its just this VIP lounge with all of its historic restoration reminding me of America’s past, when this was the sole way to travel.  No matter what it is, I’ll take it.  I’m ready to go to Toledo.

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