Tag Archives: #addiction

Fuck Stella! This boy got his groove back.

To know me is to love me and to love me is to know that I’m a lot to deal with.  Life was never ordinary due to my overwhelming need to push boundaries and stand out in a crowd.  Naturally I found everything in drugs and lost it all because of them.  My longest relationship has been with illegal substances and some legal ones also.

Two years ago I went to rehab, and I have been narcotic free since then.  It was soooooo hard!!! That time of my life was insane.  As I built my life back up, I could never feel as full as I did during the romantic era of my addiction for some reason.  Every time I crossed a mile marker in my recovery or achieved another type of personal goal I would hope to wake up and feel whole again.  I didn’t.

I felt that maybe it was because I was single.  I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but I was dating a lot.  I’m a sucker for the chase, as well as an attention whore.  I met Anthony and the rest is history.  Basically we have been together everyday since we met.  He lives with me now, or I should say we live together.  I felt like I was getting my life back, but then the friend equation was taken out of my days and I felt lost again after the relationship became more of a routine and settled into something long term.   I wasn’t in the salon or going out and drinking anymore so socially, there was nothing.

Everything happens for a reason.  Three years ago I left my job at the barbershop.  Two years ago they refused to give me my job back and this was the second time I asked.  That was the trigger that sent me on my final decline into the aggressive world of meth.  I went to rehab and two years later earned the respect back I had lost.  The barbershop decided to give me another chance.  Which is were I am now…

Earning the good part back of a horrible life saved me.  I feel like myself again.  I’m around co workers and clients that KNOW me.  Everyone else prior only knew the new version of me.  I made amazing new friendships along this journey but I always felt like something was missing because everyone around me only knew half of who I was.  Now, I feel 100%.  I have the best of both worlds, and live in a happy home.  God knows there are going to be a ton of days I don’t want my life, or miss being a reckless member of society, however my thoughts always come back, and I’m reeled back into daydreaming about how good it is, compared to how it could have been.

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Letters to Joey….5


Dear Joey,

It’s been almost two years since we have seen each other.  It’s time for some closure.  It’s been 1 year, 8 months and some change in fact.  All I ever wanted to know was if you were happy, if you were OK.  Screw being happy, I wanted to know that you were OK.  Happiness is an emotion and all emotions are temporary.  I know I say that all the time, but its true.

I don’t know why, but after a million failed attempts to contact you I still missed you.  I hate that it took me so long to realize that you were the best friend I ever had, and possibly ever will have.  When you finally answered back that you were doing great, I was in shock, obviously.  I didn’t expect to hear from you again after that, and as you know I didn’t.

Out of everything that I lost, you were the hardest to let go of.  Sometimes I think that you wouldn’t even recognize me, however I think you saw this guy long before I could imagined him to be possible.  You believed in something that I just could not see.

Now there is someone that has the best of me.  Someone I let in, although that’s something I never planned on.  I never wanted to give someone else the opportunity to hurt me and now I have. I love him.  It means I’m moving forward, and I’m starting to forget.  I never want to forget you, but forgetting how it felt to loose you has been beneficial.

Love Always, DD


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Letters to Joey….4

Oh Joey,

Happy New Year.  You know what you did?  You set me up to have one hell of a 2016.  I even got a post about it calling it 2016. The Best year ever.  Thank you.  I know you did what you did so you could save yourself, but boy did you ever save me.  I can never loose the memory of what it felt like to loose you.  To loose EVERYTHING.  In rehab they taught us to “play the tape through”, meaning when you start to romanticize about how it felt to get high, be high, you play that tape through in your head all the way to the end.  My tape always ends with you.  I never want to feel like I felt when you closed the door on me that hot July day.

It’s CRAZY how far removed I feel from that crack head of a mess that lived at 413 Main St. It nuts how much someone can actually grow the fuck up when they sober up and stop doing drugs.  July 6 will mark 2 years since I gave up on the old me and started to become the man that everyone knows today.  I wish I could go back in time to prevent July 1, 2015 from ever happening, but it happened for the best.

I hear you got a boyfriend.  Dann likes to throw little “Joey” comments out there once in a while.  You know what an insensitive dick he can be sometimes.  I’m happy for you.  I hope its everything that I wanted you to find.  I knew you could find more then I ever was back then.  It still sucks and hurts a little that you won’t talk to me.  I wish you could see me today.  I bet I’m more then you could have imagined I could become, however a part of me believes that you always saw the potential that I had.  I also am dating someone.  It’s more then that.  I love him.  He has the same birthday as you.  He’s moving in and everything which is a huge step for me!  We adopted a cat named Mars and it was a little bittersweet because it of course reminded me of Chola and Sherwin and how quickly I was able to loose my “family” before, but I’m a different guy now.  I really feel like time works itself out and Anthony came into my life at the perfect time.

We both have back rounds in addiction.  He’s almost a year clean.  It scares me.  I don’t know how you put up with me.  Not only were you patient, but you believed that I could stop using Meth.  I mean, fuck, you didn’t even know what it was until you met me.  I am not sure at all how I would handle if Anthony went back out again.  That’s one of the scariest parts of this relationship.  I do, however, believe strongly in him.  I’m pretty intuitive and my gut tells me that it’s gonna be me and him for a long time.  It’s hard though knowing that the kind of trouble I got in, he did also.  I was so damn manipulative though, the worst human EVER.  I tattooed it on my arm even!  I get all quiet when something about drugs comes up in conversation.  It’s like I obviously know we did them, but I just can’t talk about it.  Not with him.  I don’t want to know who he was then.  I don’t want to think of him as that guy because he isn’t.  I’m not an idiot and can figure out on my own what kinda bullshit went down.  In fact, it gets me angry.  Maybe jealous.  Anger is a secondary emotion so maybe that’s what I’m feeling.  Regardless, its hard for me in general to talk about drugs with other users.

On my front door I still have my little blue key that you gave me.  That’s probably one of the most sentimental things that I have today.   I got a new car, and now that my apartment is about to become OUR apartment when he moves in, I’m going to move it to my car.  You keep me clean.  You still keep me sober.  You made me better for him.  I miss you everyday.  I hope this is the year I get to see you again.

Love Always,  DD


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Letters to Joey….3

Hey Joey…

It’s your favorite time of the year, which of course is my least favorite time of the year.  Sooooo… I put up my Christmas tree this week and thought of you.  I remember you made a point to make sure I had a good Christmas the holiday we were together and you did.  I was nervous to put my tree up because the last time I had a tree up was our Christmas together and I knew there would be some keepsakes.  I came across the Chihuahua ornament.  Also was a photo card of you with your brothers.  There really are no words Joey.  I put the card on the tree.  You represent so much for me.   I  miss you so much.  I wanted to avoid the whole situation and leave the boxes all together in Dann’s attic, until Bonnie said to me “So you are telling me you are afraid of a box.”  When she put it that way, I had to face my anxiety to get over the situation.  Your memory keeps me going.  I hope that you saw the good in me and my potential because in the end, you are the one who brought it out in me.


Love Always, DD

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Letters to Joey…..2

Dear Joey,

It’s been a little over 11 months since you have talked to me.  At this point, I have stopped trying to contact you.  I’m used to the fact that you’re gone, and having to speak to you again at this moment would only throw a wrench in my life.  Thar doesn’t mean that I don’t think about you still.  It seems like it’s a daily thing, for you to cross my mind, but it’s usually just a passing thought that isn’t made up out of fear or guilt.  I have not cried, nor have I felt empty without you near me in quite some time.  It seems at the moment, dare I say, that I have learned to let go in order to move forward.

You wouldn’t even recognize the man that I have become.  You helped push me to this point, but I did a lot of hard work on my own, and while some credit is yours for leaving me and opening my eyes to the reality of my addiction, most of the credit I take for myself.  It’s only through hard work and perseverance that I was able to succeed.

Today I write this letter as a cosmetology teacher.  I finished school at the top.  I didn’t miss a day, not an hour.  That right there would seem like a huge commitment but I knew that’s what I had to do, and while doing something that I loved, it seemed rather effortless.  I made such a big impression that the school I attended hired me on at their campus to teach the cosmetology program.  I have never felt more blessed then I have this past year.  I have received two pay checks so far, both more then any other paycheck I’ve received in my life.  On top of that, my company has given me a retirement fund, paid vacation and all the other benefits someone should have at my age.  I’m trying to keep Vera’s one day a week.  I can’t just yet let go of my clients or walk away from her.  She has been there for me through this whole process of losing you and re establishing my life.  It’s also time for me to save some money and move out of this house.  It’s almost been a year also since I moved in with my family to also help me escape the loss I felt over you and to give me an outlet to set the stage for my personal growth.  What I have accomplished in a year still makes me stop and shake my head in disbelief.

As long as I keep doing the next best thing for myself and the people around me, I’m going to be just fine.  My new career awards me with such satisfaction.  These kids really look up to me for the positive attitude I have and the experience I bring to the table.  I still see Bonnie once a week and she also validates me on the progress I have made.  I barley remember the boy that showed up to her office a year ago having a complete breakdown, just days before checking into rehab.  Also, there is a boy, that just might be the one.  I’m not going to let my fears sabotage this relationship like I have in the past.  It’s brand new, but after last night I really feel closer to the possibility of having a “boyfriend”.

I’ll never forget you Joey.  I’ll always thing about you.  I hope for my sake that we do hold off on seeing each other again.  This time I guess I need my space when not so long ago the obsession of seeing you one more time was all I could think about.  It’s hard to say, but I can’t see you again.  Not now.  I don’t want to anymore.  It has nothing to do with not loving you, it’s the fears of what emotions might be brought back up after all the hard work I’ve done to release those very emotions.  I just need you to know that I’ll love you forever.

Love Always and I mean that….



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Letters to Joey….1

Dear Joey,

It’s has taken me 7 months to be able to mention your name, to face reality instead of pretend that I never even met you.  It’s been 7 months and I can finally say your name without beginning to cry.  7 whole months since I’ve loved somebody with all my being, even though it seemed like I only loved myself.  I miss you.

Today is Valentines Day.  Last year I remember that you came over to my apartment and brought me over my big stuffed dog.  I named him “Jelly Bean”.  That over the top, enormous stuffed dog became my pillow, as you know, and I slept with that guy every night until the end.  After you left that day, I threw myself onto my bed and buried my face into Jelly Bean.  I held on to him so tight, as I screamed into him, hopefully muffling my voice from the neighbors all around me.  I have never cried so hard in my life.  It was more then crying, it really was screaming.  That dog absorbed more tears that night then I have produced all year.  I still have him.  To keep him in my room would have been a torturous reminder that you were gone, but i did put him in a large box, in my brothers attic.  The attic itself is hard enough to be in because of all the time we spent together there.  I was thinking today that I’m glad I still have him, just in case you do come back to me, he would represent a bridge connecting our past to out present, always reminding me of how much you mean to me.

Can you believe I have not worked on a single furniture project since July?  I’m serious.  I went into rehab 5 days after you left me.  I spent most of the summer learning about myself and how to show up to be the man that I want to be in the world.  I attended NA and became sober for the first time since I was 15.  I have to tell you, because I think you will die.  They told me that I checked in with the highest THC count they have ever seen.  isn’t that crazy?  It’s funny and embarrassing at the same time!  I lost control of reality along time ago and saw how I used drugs to completely avoid that reality for many years.  I did 101 days completely sober of everything, then decided I should be able to have a drink like a normal human being.  I have also smoked here and there, but never at the capacity I was capable of before.  I was diagnosed for having an extreme anxiety disorder, and that I was NOT bi-polar after all.  My awesome doctor there changed all my medications and It feels good to actually feel “normal” again.

I am 7 weeks away from graduating school.  I had to put it off twice because of rehab, but I’m so glad I did.  I have the best class, and the best teacher.  It also looks like there are a few positions available and I could be a teacher by April.  TEACHING BY APRIL?  Everything has happened so quickly.  I am so busy. I still work at Vera’s and she is still crazy.  I have a second job at the neighborhood chop shop (I’ll explain some other time), while managing school and student teaching.  Who am I, right??

Everything has changed, and its changed because of you.  I hope that I get to show you the man that I have become since you left me.  I swear I think about you EVERYDAY.  I miss you so bad it hurts.  I hope you will miss me someday and call.  I’m always waiting to hear your special ringtone go off.  Someday I will.  I know it.  I love you.


Love Always,


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When things cant get any worse, thats when they start to get better

I hate that this is a “thing”.  I hate that I have to believe in this, that I have no choice but to have faith in something bigger then myself.  I hate that it’s seemingly true, that my so called life never seemed so hopeless in my 35 years as it was in July of 2015.  I hate I’ll be turning 36 and I know for a fact that he won’t be there with me this year like he was last year.  I hate how much I cried, how much it hurt and that I’m beginning to forget the worst pain I ever felt.

Sometimes I wake up and I feel OK, other days I get out of bed and I feel sad still.  Recently I’ve been waking  up and I feel angry, with an “its your loss” type attitude towards the only human being in the world that made me realize I was a monster.  What is different here than other days is the simple fact that I actually “wake up”.  I get up, I take a shower, I plan my day and move forward.  On July 1st of 2015 this seemingly simple way to start the day wasn’t possible.  The realization of what I became and who people saw me as in the world was crippling.  One of my best friends said “I know that you feel like you will never be normal again, but trust me, you will.” I did trust her and I can tell you that she was right.  Today I feel normal.  I am not crippled by my guilt.  I am anything but fake, and I’m not overly happy, and basking in the sunlight of new sobriety.

Life is still in a transition.  I still live with my parents, and I’m still in school.  Sometimes I feel like it’s never going to get better, or when it does, I won’t know how be responsible as an adult.  I know my thoughts are opinions, not facts, but that doesn’t stop them from getting the best of me sometimes.  Especially days I’m on a no carb diet, but that’s a completely different story for another day.

Even though I’m moving forward, and beginning to let go of the past, I know no matter how far ahead I get, it will haunt me forever.  I may forget how painful it was to loose him, and no matter how scared I may be someday I will forget, It’s certain my scars will last forever, and I’ll never forget his name.

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Who goes to Toledo?! (Memoirs of a Vacation 1)

This guy.  This guy right here planned a vacation to Toledo, Ohio.  Sometimes it’s not about where you are going, but who you are going to visit.  Sometimes, it’s just about escaping to anyplace that isn’t home.  I’d say both apply to me.  If the Motel 6 in the next town over (which would be Lombard) was the only place I could go, I would jump on that opportunity too.  Luckily for me I get to leave the Chicago suburbs and visit one of my best friends.

I’ve known Mitch for way too long.  It’s a friendship that has changed, and had its ups and downs for over 13 years.  We are lucky to have been the original staff at Crew Bar and Grill in Uptown, which I was shortly fired from for slapping a girl in the ass that was playing pool after I had a few after work beers.  Self centered me still has a little part inside that thinks I got fired because my ex was the owner and the boys all loved me.  Mitch worked in the kitchen and I remember his light eyes underneath that blue Crew hat he had on backwards peering at me over the hot food area.  I’m sure there is a technical term for the place they put your orders on when they are ready to go out, but I’ll just stick with “hot food area”.  For what its worth, he looked ghetto as hell with that fitted hat on backwards and it made me melt.  To this day, that is still my favorite hat, and I still feel some type of way when I see a cute ghetto boy.

Mitch was anything but ghetto.  He remains one of my most intelligent friends.  We started spending a lot of time together and exchanged many phone calls and texts.  Most of my life I have beaten myself up for what I was doing instead of where I was going, and this time was no different.  I was probably at the peak of my escorting days and even though I portrayed confidence on the outside, I felt like a piece of cat shit on the inside.  As the relationship developed, I pushed him away, like I do most people because I feel if they ever knew my truth, they would leave me anyways.  He was moving to New York for culinary school anyways and I certainly did not trust myself to trust someone else to go to New York and be faithful to me.  Relationships have always to date, been my downfall in life.  He was too good, and I was too bad, so it needed to develop into something else.  That something else became something more.

While in New York, I came to visit him and had the best vacation of my life.  After I went back a lot of things changed.  The worse I felt about myself the harder I pushed him away, and my actions of self indulgence while seeking attention eventually over powered the friendship.  When the only way you know how to make friends is to have sex with them, you develop a strange sense of self.  I still struggle with this today at 35!  What is wrong with me? I’ll tell you!  I had problems with being the person someone wanted to know, versus being the person you wanted to have sex with.  I imagine this is the struggle Britney Spears also goes through everyday. Yes, I just compared myself to Britney Jean Spears.

He went to New York, and I went to the burbs to go to beauty school.  I met Tony and he met some dude I already forgot what his name was.  They moved to Phoenix and I moved all over from Florida to every burb in Chicago.  This is the first time Mitch hurt me, instead of me doing it to him.  Basically he decided that it was best to not talk to me, because his boyfriend didn’t like it.  That was a shock because over the years we always managed to have some contact, even when I was with Tony who limited all contact I had to other guys.

They broke up, and he eventually moved back to Chicago.  I had a new boyfriend Jason and a thing on the side called a Crystal Meth addiction.  Through everything, Mitch was always there in my heart and my head.  He was safe place for me.  I told him most everything about my life and my addiction and he never judged me, but maybe that’s because he had an addiction of him own that I never saw.  Porn.  Just kidding.  He was a struggling alcoholic.

My time line is shaky, but we both moved so much!  He then left Chicago again, and gave me all his plants before he headed off into the sunset.  I was at the peak of my meth addiction and again, shrugged it off that he was leaving.  He hit his bottom.  He then moved back to Ohio and become a recovering alcoholic instead of the functioning alcoholic his body and brain trained him to be.  I WAS OUT OF CONTROL AND ALL OVER THE PLACE.  The worst place in my adult life, back to prostitution, sex for money, sex for drugs and sex to feel wanted.  His recovery was great, and again just made him look better then me on the inside.  All I ever cared about was what I looked like on the outside, because addicts manipulate people and my body was my biggest weapon.

Finally God served it to me HARDCORE and I lost it all.  Including my mind, at the same time Mitch was taking a trip out to see his drug addicted friend.  I needed him the most those few days and life played out to have him there for me.  I tried staying away from meth.  Now I was going to an outpatient facility and was going to stop everything including the marijuana that I loved so much.

Today we are both in recovery.  Mitch has never met me sober.  I would never even take a trip to Toledo in fear of a 5 hour commute without smoking weed.  I would never go to Toledo anyways because how fun could a sober guy really be?? Today I have never been so excited to go to Toledo.  I get to see one of the best friends I have ever had in my life.  He gets to meet me, completely clean for the first time in our life.  Our relationship has truly passed the test of time, and I know someone who has taught me that not everyone just wants me for my body.  Furthermore its been a long and rough summer, and I need to get away.  I cant think of a better person to spend my time with.  My train leaves tomorrow, Chicago to Toledo at 6PM.

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Auto Biography Of An Addict Part 6 (We DO Recover!)

July 6th 2015 is my clean date.  On July 6th 2015, I walked into Linden Oaks Outpatient Center to start my partial hospitalization program.  At this point all I remember is that I was beaten, broken and unsure exactly what “dual diagnosis” meant.  I smoked my last bowl at 8AM in the parking lot, with the notion to save half of it for when I got outta my program for the drive home that evening.  Within minutes I was rudely woken up to what exactly dual diagnosis was.  I sat down in a chair, surrounded by a bunch of unfamiliar faces.  To me, it was a great representation of white suburban Chicago.  Immediately I felt out of place.  There were people of all ages, and someone was being discharged.  I wanted to die.  This man was seriously smiling and thanking everyone for all they helped him to achieve.  He was probably around 60, and after sharing his story I quickly realized that dual diagnosis included actually THREE things.  Depression, anxiety, and SUBSTANCE ABUSE.  Were you KIDDING me?? I felt like I just walked into a trap.  A comedy perhaps, and the joke was seriously on me.  The only thing I remember about that first day was this grateful man, (for what? SOBRIETY!?), having to pee in a cup, and something telling me to throw that bowl out the window.  Never a guy to turn down a challenge, I looked at the opportunity in front of me to be just that.  They told me the program was about three weeks and I decided that day to commit to a drug and alcohol free program until I was discharged.  The rooms of Narcotics Anonymous changed all that.

The following daysa were agonizing for me.  I couldn’t sleep because I only knew how to pass out.  I could not eat because I needed to smoke weed to be hungry.  This is how my body worked for 10+ years, and I thought I was going to pass out and die if I couldn’t escape my reality very soon.  The program required that you attend three or more 12 step meetings a week.  On or around day 3, I stumbled into an NA meeting in Downers Grove.  What a mess I must have been when I walked in those doors.  I picked up my white key tag for 0-29 days clean and all of a sudden was surrounded by a bunch of overly ecstatic people that wanted to hug me.  One girl in particular stood out to me because of her personality.  Everyone seemed to know her and she looked so happy!  Sober, clean and happy?? Right then I decided in that room that I wanted to commit to this for life.  I wanted what SHE had.

The 28 days that followed were nothing short of a miracle.  I made friends, I learned about grief, acceptance and letting go.  Living in the present was a daily reminder that needed to be drilled into this stubborn head of mine.  Living in the past causes depression and living in the future produced its best friend, anxiety.  Just for Today, an NA motto became a way of life.  The rooms of NA and the walls that made up my outpatient center gave me tools to survive that I never got to learn as a child.  I felt free to grow up for the first time ever.  My last day at Linden Oaks was amazing.  Not because I was excited to leave, but because I was ready to engage with the world again having all the new tools I picked up in order to be successful not only in keeping my sobriety, but also as becoming a productive human being.

Today I find myself getting ready to start school in a week.  I’ll be going back to the beauty school to get my 600 hours in so I can get my educators license.  I want to be a teacher.  I want to give back to an industry that has given me so much.  Nothing seems out of my reach anymore.  I truly feel like the world is mine, and as long as I keep an open mind and don’t let the anxiety about the future govern my actions, all will be well.  I try to live for the moment, the present moment and make the best of it.  I am so much more productive at work then I have ever been before.  My family and close friends a like have noticed a genuine change in my personality and physically have put on a few extra healthy pounds.  I am open to the possibility that there just might be someone out there for me, as long as I don’t get into my own head, trust myself, and trust the man that I’m with.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have bad days, but they are never as bad as the worst day and I feel free to be me for the first time in my life.  I have faith that this new found freedom will lead me to a type of sanity I once thought was lost long ago.  This is my first time trying to live a life abstinent from all substances.  I’m not going to lie and say I’ll never drink again.  I had a drug problem, not alcohol however I can see how drinking can lead me back to the insane path of life I was living.  All I know is that I won’t be drinking today.  Today is what matters.  Today is all we have.

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Auto Biography Of An Addict Part 5 (HItting Rock Bottom; Everything Happens For A Reason)

They teach us in NA that changing geographic locations in order to escape our addiction never works.  That we learn to manipulate new people to get and find the drugs that we want.  I wish I read that book before I decided to move!!  Guess what I did after I moved?  I lied to my family about where I was and what I was doing.  I kept my job in the city and continued to use Meth as a way to escape the reality that had become my life.  After I found a new job in the suburbs, I lost my job at Floyd’s after I walked out one Sunday in a self centered tantrum.  This is nothing new for me, the addict.  I’ve broken many bridges with employers doing the same thing.  After my full departure of the city I then felt so lonely that I manipulated new people to get and find the drugs that I wanted.

I met someone.  He was a good kid.  He was 14 years younger then me but a whole lot smarter then me.  He’s the only name I feel like I need to protect in the story of my life, however eventually hurting me in the end like I set him up to do.  I refused to date him.  To me, I was a horrible person, caught in the grips of addiction and I didn’t want to expose him to the animal that I became.  I loved this guy very much for all the times he was there for me when I needed him.  He didn’t have the label of being my boyfriend, even as much as he tried, but emotionally and physically became just that to me.  I tried to “white knuckle” my way through life at this point with my addiction to meth.  I thought drinking and smoking pot was ok, as long as I didn’t do meth, however I was still using these drugs to mask the reality of my addiction.  I used twice in the period of 8 months that I told this kid I wasn’t using.  He really was my anti drug.  He kept me clean for as long as my brain would allow it.  I never then used because I wanted to have fun.  I used so I could feel normal again.  I wanted independence.  I had my own studio apartment in Glen Ellyn and my boy had a key.  He cooked me dinner, he bought me a puppy for Christmas and he helped me with anything I asked.  This guy was the most loyal human being that has even been apart of my life.  I felt like a piece of shit.  My ship sailed a long time ago and I missed my ride.  If I pushed him away from me, then maybe he would not miss his.  I was no one to even try to spend your life with and I reminded him everyday.  He chose to stick around and I honestly treated him the best that I could in the state of mind and emotion that I was in.

My suburban job sucked.  I hated work.  I was at a salon all day doing nothing but smoking weed and sitting on dating apps that I swore to my friend that I would stay off of.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  I called my old boss at Floyd’s and begged for my job back.  I knew that I should not be back in the city but I needed to feel how it felt to actually make money and be productive again.  Everything happens for a reason.  The district managers who I figured hated me anyways, denied my request for a re hire.  This left me feeling so broken, knowing there was no way out.  There was no future for me.  I thought this was a guarantee that I was going to fail, a realization that on most days, I smoked myself stupid so I could accept this fate.  Strike 1.

I needed an out so naturally I turned to my dating app to seek meth.  I found it.  I planned it.  I planned it so precisely that I told myself that I couldn’t smoke weed when I got home or I would get to lazy to meet up with this troll that was going to get me high for free in exchange for a night with my body.  I wish I never downloaded this app that night, an app I promised my guy I would never use again.  Strike 2.

While using I got a text from my friend that I’ll never forget.  “I hope that app you were on 2 hours ago was worth our relationship”.  I turned my phone over, already high and finished my night.  Strike 3.  I went hope and obviously couldn’t sleep.  I stared at the wall for 12 continuous hours.  No TV, no music.  Nothing.  My buddy came over to get his things and to tell me he could no longer talk to me, and I couldn’t talk to him, a promise that he has kept to this day.  Strike 4.  I lost it.  I went crazy.  The next day I had to move in with my parents because I couldn’t afford to live on my own, and couldn’t even be sitting alone as thoughts of self harm crept into my brain.  Strike 5.  I went to my doctor and wanted to beg for Xanax.  Everything happens for a reason.  She was rushed into emergency delivery, a month early in her pregnancy, and I was thrown into an office of a doctor that had no clue who I was or what I was going through.  Strike 6.  This doctor suggested Linden Oaks out patient.  I figured this was  a mental health program that I had NO time for.  I shrugged it off, as if she was the crazy one and went home.  I polished off my Xanax and drank heavily for the 4th of July weekend.  I have never been so broken in my life.  I swear I cried for 6 days hysterically every time I had a moment alone at the loss of my friend.  What did I do??

Six or seven strikes of life brought me to my knees.  I emotionally collapsed,  I wanted to die.  I wanted to end my life.  I needed the pain to stop.  The next morning was just as bad as any.  at 7 AM I took that crazy doctors advice and called Linden Oaks assessment hotline.  I had an hour to get there and have my life assessed, whatever that even meant.  I wish I knew then that I made the most important phone call I have ever made in my life.  Recovery was right around the corner.

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