Tag Archives: bipolar

2016. The Best year ever.

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Obviously the first thing I did before I came on here to recap my year, was to take a look back at my previous blog entries from this past year.  On the very first post, https://ziosattic.wordpress.com/2016/01/18/when-things-cant-get-any-worse-thats-when-they-start-to-get-better/  I came across a statement that fully described how I felt going into 2016…

“Life is still in a transition.  I still live with my parents, and I’m still in school.  Sometimes I feel like it’s never going to get better, or when it does, I won’t know how be responsible as an adult.  I know my thoughts are opinions, not facts, but that doesn’t stop them from getting the best of me sometimes.  Especially days I’m on a no carb diet, but that’s a completely different story for another day.”

With that said, all I can say back is that 2016 was the best year ever.  Or at least that I’ve had in the past 10 years.  In April, I graduated from school.  Immediately following my graduation I was offered a position teaching for the school I was doing my training at.  I was given the opportunity to go to Florida the day after I graduated.  I got to see my old friend Nathan from Ft. Myers on that vacation as well.  In July I got my own apartment with my own money and credit, using my charming personality and desire to always move forward as a driving force to get exactly what I wanted.  A new apartment in Oak Park.  In August, I went to Vegas and saw Mariah Carey!  A dream that the crack head 4 years ago wrote off as an impossible venture.  This vacation was the first time in years I felt free.  I got to feel like myself.  As well as everything was going, I was still struggling with the fact that dating was not my thing and was trying to get comfortable with that fact that I was going to be alone forever.  Then just like that, I met the man of my dreams.  I was able to love again.  The kinda love that makes your heart cramp, skip beats and feel so full, you’d think you would explode.   It’s been years since I could say those words, but I suddenly started to hear myself say those three dangerous words.  I love you.  As if that wasn’t enough, I bought a new car.  My down payment, my credit, my loan.  One more very important thing, Tony and I adopted a cat, Mars.

As far as my writing is concerned, I started my “Letters to Joey” series.  It has proved to be, and still will be a very therapeutic part of the creative process, allowing me to let go of what used to be, and fulfilling some undying need that I have to reach out to the guy that changed my life forever.  If it wasn’t for Joey, this amazing 2016 would have never happened.  This reality of mine would have never exsited if it wasn’t for three words from him.  Leave me alone.

Here’s t0 2017.  I hope to write a lot more.  I am planning on loving someone with my whole heart and not push love away.  Maintaining my lifestyle is all I hope to do this year, and continue to grow with the man I love.  Not on my own.  I’m going to be less selfish and I’m going to learn how to say no.  My biggest challenge is going to this relationship.  It’s going to be long term.  We are going to fight, there are going to be bad days, and I hope I’ve learned enough about life to handle all that comes my way with a grain of salt, to believe in love, and not let the small stuff ruin my day.  Happy 2017 readers, here it goes….

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Thansgiving without the Paparazzi

The holidays blow.  It’s Depression Eve, the beginning of a season I have grown to hate.  It’s the time of the year when you can find me alone at a family party or as the third wheel with my brother and sister in-law. I never thought that I’d be single at 35.  I mean, EVERYONE LOVES ME!!  For real, at this point I’m almost the full package.  Whoa is me is the familiar song playing on repeat over the holiday season coming from my loud pie hole.

Today is January 22, and I’m already over it.  I want to be alone.  I choose to be alone, and most importantly, it has nothing to do with who wants me, Who do I want?  I don’t want anyone.  I’m the reason that I’m single and also the one who calls the shots when its time for a relationship to end.

I have so many things that I want to do in my life, that I know would be strongly compromised or influenced by someone if I was in a relationship.  It took one hell of a long time for me to love the imperfect angel that is me, and I want to enjoy myself.  Besides, its not fair to serial date anyone, knowing damn well I’ve never had real love in my life when I didn’t love myself.  Back then I was searching for any soul to fill the void that I had in my own.  It wasn’t until I realized that my soul didn’t need to be fed (I was getting nothing out of being a slut), but fixed and filled with only things that I could produce.

I’ve never been the type to fake being with anyone.  Those relationships get boring very quick, as well as the ones with the boys that don’t quit.  It sucks because If a celebrity millionaire fell in love with me, and I wasn’t in love with him, Id have to turn him down at the alter.  Sure, I would do it for a few vacations and some nice high-tops, but at the end of the day, I could never spend the rest of my life with someone that I did not love, no matter who they were or how much money they had.

I don’t know what the future holds for me.  I will  remember that even though it may be another Thanksgiving without the paparazzi, that I’m OK and it’s going to be OK because I love myself and that’s the hardest thing to do.

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