Tag Archives: #birthday

Happy Birthday Fool

It’s my mother fuckin’ birthday!  It’s my damn birthday.  Who really is excited to turn 37.  What the hell kinda joke is 37? Has anyone even anticipated their 37th birthday?  Shit.  Has anyone ever anticipated a birthday after 21?  That was so long ago I can’t even answer that question.

My thirties have been odd.  I finally had a birthday without Tony, and then I decided to take my drug use to a whole new level and call in an addiction. I created an empire around a drug called meth, sitting on top of the world, or so I thought, and then unexpectedly got knocked down so low, I couldn’t get up without help from rehab, outpatient, family and friends.  I lost not one, but three “best friends” in a year while repairing relationships with people I thought I lost a long time ago.  I wanted to die, I thought I would die, I KNEW I would die, and then I saved myself.  I got stuck some place in between young and old, daddy status and being a daddy chaser.  I recovered, but never really felt whole until a Vegas vacation changed my view of life.  Right when I got comfortable being alone, I met the man that I plan on spending the rest of my life with.  That’s how the story goes.  Today I don’t feel like I have all the answers.  I’m smart enough to know that I won’t have those answers tomorrow either.  I went back to school, and started a new career, going from being my own boss to having 50 bosses and living in constant fear that I may loose my job because my maturity level won’t ever match my age.  Basically, I’m growing up.

My wish for myself if that I continue to see the progress made and not to backtrack ruminating about my life that has passed.  Sometimes the lines between being an addict that’s on top of the world, even if its superficial, and being this new, seemingly boring version of myself get dangerously close.  Thank god someone taught me how to play the tape through, always saving the day when I think I want to go back to the thrill and excitement of the games I used to play, and the playgrounds I played them on.

I may not have what other people my age have, but I’m only aware of the world around me because I stopped doing drugs.  I have a hell of a lot more then I had two years ago and that is a FACT.  Everything else is just a thought or opinion that needs to be shut down on the bad days that I have them.

I need to promise myself this:  I promise to continue to grow and not let minor set backs break me.  I promise to not be afraid to say what I feel, and to always do my best with my relationships I have and the people around me. I promise to not get upset about not being perfect.  I promise to continue to be weird and eccentric for these are the qualities that make me who I am.  If I can’t be myself at 37 I never will be.  A fool at 40 is a fool forever, and my momma didn’t raise no fool.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

162 Days Away From You

The beginning of a season that is known for its promise of growth and revival also happens to begin just 4 short days after my Birthday.  Spring is very symbolic to me. Being a Chicago native, I have always associated my birthday as a guarantee that the hells of winter were over.  Daylight saving time ends, the Easter decorations come out, and for me it’s the true representation of the new year.  Whenever something begins, obviously something ends.  It’s not until then that I can truly reflect on the year past.

This time last year spawns some of the worst memories I have.  I can pin point my birthday as the day I totally lost control of my mind, emotions, and any normalcy I could have possibly known previous to that.  This time last year, I was emerging as a true and blue, everyday meth user. It wouldn’t be until October that I truly got a handle back on my life.

Up until this point I have had a hard time reciting “days sober” based on the fact that not one day has been truly “sober”.  I smoke weed daily as a choice, to self medicate my ADD and anxiety, and spark my creative energy. I also chose to drink socially because alcohol abuse was never my problem.  I never liked to drink even when I was 21.  Drugs have always been for me.  Now, I am proud to recite that number.  That number reflects a lot of days that I have removed myself from the sick cycle of life I was living.  Today I see that I could be dead.  I even more easily could be infected with HIV, and in the face of this reality I have to wonder how is it that I survived?

So today marks 162 days off hard drugs, away from the lifestyle.  It’s 162 solid days of sleep every night and food in my stomach.  I’ve made it to work 162 days without calling in as a crack head.  In only 162 days I have gotten a new job and achieved so much with my new position, gained the respect of my peers and family and most importantly lived as the role model I want to be for my nephew.  I’ve been thinking clearly for 162 days off Zoloft proving which each new day I was never depressed, just felt oppressed.  Everyday brings new battles but for the first time in years I feel hope.  I feel like me.  Less hate and more respect for what I can call my life.

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,