Tag Archives: gay relationships

Letters to Joey….5

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Dear Joey,

It’s been almost two years since we have seen each other.  It’s time for some closure.  It’s been 1 year, 8 months and some change in fact.  All I ever wanted to know was if you were happy, if you were OK.  Screw being happy, I wanted to know that you were OK.  Happiness is an emotion and all emotions are temporary.  I know I say that all the time, but its true.

I don’t know why, but after a million failed attempts to contact you I still missed you.  I hate that it took me so long to realize that you were the best friend I ever had, and possibly ever will have.  When you finally answered back that you were doing great, I was in shock, obviously.  I didn’t expect to hear from you again after that, and as you know I didn’t.

Out of everything that I lost, you were the hardest to let go of.  Sometimes I think that you wouldn’t even recognize me, however I think you saw this guy long before I could imagined him to be possible.  You believed in something that I just could not see.

Now there is someone that has the best of me.  Someone I let in, although that’s something I never planned on.  I never wanted to give someone else the opportunity to hurt me and now I have. I love him.  It means I’m moving forward, and I’m starting to forget.  I never want to forget you, but forgetting how it felt to loose you has been beneficial.

Love Always, DD

 

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Learning Love

So I’m in this relationship thing, right??  Yesterday was the big 3 month mark of being “official”.  It might sound crazy to you, because it IS crazy, but we have been living together for almost that same amount of time.  Even before he officially moved in with me, we were together every day and every night.  I didn’t want it any other way.  I still don’t want it any other way.  He’s my life.  I have never seen such a real future with anyone like I do when I look into his eyes.

I’m emotional.  I’m an over thinker.  Both of these can break me, unless I use the tools that I have to stop myself from ruining something beautiful.  I just now realized something that can put a lot of things in perspective.  This is my first sober relationship.  On top of being my first sober relationship, this is also my first healthy relationship.  This is my first REAL relationship.  I was petrified of the first one, and was a drug addict for the second one.  How could I look at these relationships as comparable to the one that I’m in?

Three months to me is a big deal, because when  I make it to three months, I make it to a year.  The past two weeks were a little rough on me to say the least.  I was questioning everything.  The dynamic of the relationship has started to change and my guy isn’t really a communicator. It seemed to me at the time that the romance was dying and it crushed me because that man was the most romantic person I have ever been with.  He had all the right things to say and always at the right time.  After a few failed attempts of communicating my way, I didn’t know what to do.  I just wanted my boyfriend back.

While the physical and romantic part of the relationship was subsiding, something new was happening.  He was becoming my best friend and I was too caught up in my emotions to even realize it.  When it comes to him, I know I will never give up, so I waited things out.  I never have doubted his love for me.  It was worth it.  It was worth feeling that feeling again when he grabbed my hand to hold it while sitting on the couch.  It was worth it to be with him on his important 1 year sober anniversary.  It was worth it to be able to feel him kiss my neck on the escalator while shopping at Kohls. I love him.

I’m learning not to over think things.  I’m trying to learn the best way to communicate with him without letting my emotions over take me.  I want him to learn how to communicate with me as well.   I’m learning how to love the right way, for love is a lot more then the crazy feelings you go through at the beginning of a relationship.  It’s more then I can even write or comprehend.  I want us to be together forever, but for now I will take it one day at a time.

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