Tag Archives: life

A Prostitutes Guide To Becoming A Role Model

I mean, really, I was an escort which we all know is a hell of a lot classier then a prostitute, right? Ha.  At the end of the day if you gotta take the dick outta your mouth before you go home from work, you is a ho.  It wasn’t my proudest moment. In fact it helped stick me into a deep depression that fed my drug addiction and insecurities. Oddly enough at the same time it fulfilled this need I can’t seem to find an ends to, called adventure.  It wasn’t all bad.  You get to be who ever you wanted to be for that moment in time.  It was mysterious, and it was bad.  It turned that scared boy into a man in a very short period of time and gave me plenty of other opportunities that became positive experiences in life.

I never thought getting into sex work was going to effect me in the future.  Maybe that’s the beauty of being in your 20’s.  You’re too stupid and clueless to realize how your actions will shape your future, so you do them, have fun, and pay for them later.  It’s pretty much the young adult mantra.  It didn’t stop with escorting.  Movies were made and pictures were taken.  This thing called the internet was starting to catch on.  I had no clue it held the ability for these videos and pictures to last FOREVER.  So naturally, I thought it would be a good idea to become a teacher.

First I became a hair stylist.  My fast lifestyle fit right in with the crazy, neurotic lifestyle and culture of doing hair.  The industry did so much for me.  I was in sex work for 10 years, and there was no place I could think of other then a gay bathhouse that my resume would stand a chance.  Cosmetology gave me a second chance.

I wanted to be a teacher for the people that wanted their second chance.  I do it so I can make a difference. I tell them that I was once beat down and broken and pulled through to tell the story.  If I can do it, then anyone can, and I am sure to remind them of this whenever they need motivation.  Anyone can facilitate the information.  It takes something extra to care about the people that you are giving the  information to.  Sure getting “Happy Fathers Day” texts makes me feel like an old, wrinkled fool, but it lets me know that I am doing exactly what I set out to do.  When the administration is getting down on me and I start to get discouraged, I quickly remind myself that I am here for the students.  I’m protective of these guys, I get attached and I cry when they graduate.

It’s  kinda awesome getting to be this guy.  Someone that gets respect and someone that people look up to…as long as they don’t find me butt ass naked on an internet search at least.

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Letters to Joey….4

Oh Joey,

Happy New Year.  You know what you did?  You set me up to have one hell of a 2016.  I even got a post about it calling it 2016. The Best year ever.  Thank you.  I know you did what you did so you could save yourself, but boy did you ever save me.  I can never loose the memory of what it felt like to loose you.  To loose EVERYTHING.  In rehab they taught us to “play the tape through”, meaning when you start to romanticize about how it felt to get high, be high, you play that tape through in your head all the way to the end.  My tape always ends with you.  I never want to feel like I felt when you closed the door on me that hot July day.

It’s CRAZY how far removed I feel from that crack head of a mess that lived at 413 Main St. It nuts how much someone can actually grow the fuck up when they sober up and stop doing drugs.  July 6 will mark 2 years since I gave up on the old me and started to become the man that everyone knows today.  I wish I could go back in time to prevent July 1, 2015 from ever happening, but it happened for the best.

I hear you got a boyfriend.  Dann likes to throw little “Joey” comments out there once in a while.  You know what an insensitive dick he can be sometimes.  I’m happy for you.  I hope its everything that I wanted you to find.  I knew you could find more then I ever was back then.  It still sucks and hurts a little that you won’t talk to me.  I wish you could see me today.  I bet I’m more then you could have imagined I could become, however a part of me believes that you always saw the potential that I had.  I also am dating someone.  It’s more then that.  I love him.  He has the same birthday as you.  He’s moving in and everything which is a huge step for me!  We adopted a cat named Mars and it was a little bittersweet because it of course reminded me of Chola and Sherwin and how quickly I was able to loose my “family” before, but I’m a different guy now.  I really feel like time works itself out and Anthony came into my life at the perfect time.

We both have back rounds in addiction.  He’s almost a year clean.  It scares me.  I don’t know how you put up with me.  Not only were you patient, but you believed that I could stop using Meth.  I mean, fuck, you didn’t even know what it was until you met me.  I am not sure at all how I would handle if Anthony went back out again.  That’s one of the scariest parts of this relationship.  I do, however, believe strongly in him.  I’m pretty intuitive and my gut tells me that it’s gonna be me and him for a long time.  It’s hard though knowing that the kind of trouble I got in, he did also.  I was so damn manipulative though, the worst human EVER.  I tattooed it on my arm even!  I get all quiet when something about drugs comes up in conversation.  It’s like I obviously know we did them, but I just can’t talk about it.  Not with him.  I don’t want to know who he was then.  I don’t want to think of him as that guy because he isn’t.  I’m not an idiot and can figure out on my own what kinda bullshit went down.  In fact, it gets me angry.  Maybe jealous.  Anger is a secondary emotion so maybe that’s what I’m feeling.  Regardless, its hard for me in general to talk about drugs with other users.

On my front door I still have my little blue key that you gave me.  That’s probably one of the most sentimental things that I have today.   I got a new car, and now that my apartment is about to become OUR apartment when he moves in, I’m going to move it to my car.  You keep me clean.  You still keep me sober.  You made me better for him.  I miss you everyday.  I hope this is the year I get to see you again.

Love Always,  DD

 

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The Trouble With Love Is…

The Trouble With Love Is- Kelly Clarkson

Music is my best friend.  It always has, and always will be until the end of my days.  Any time of my life that I felt discouraged, felt like I didn’t belong, felt like I was all alone in the world with my thoughts or feelings, music was right there letting me know that my feelings were valid.  I don’t know if it’s my personality or the burden of being a Pisces, but I’ve always been an overly emotional and sensitive person.

One thing that I noticed worked very well for me over the past few years in suppressing some of the crippling emotions that take me over was staying single.  Even when I was dating, no one and I mean NO ONE had my 100 percent attention the way that Anthony does.  In fact, I know that part of the success of 2016 was that I didn’t allow myself to fall in love.  There was no one really worth falling in love with.  I had confidence and knew my self worth.  With that said, having finally met my match, I find myself feeling a rage of emotions that I haven’t had to feel in many years.  Love, desire, adoration, just to name a few.  Along with the good also comes the bad.  Insecurity, feeling vulnerable and what I consider to be the ugliest emotion: Jealousy.

Even though I let my thoughts run wild sometimes, music teaches me not only that I will be OK, but also that I am far from alone.  Think about it.  Not only does the artist who is writing or preforming the song have the same feelings as I do, but also enough people in the general population feel these feelings for it to even become a contender for a place on an album.  Sometimes these masterpieces even become number 1 singles, further proving one fact.  You are not alone.

In conclusion, I am not alone in love.  It’s natural to feel the good and the bad.  As long as I know that I love him and at the end of the day I know that he loves me, we will continue to grow and move forward in our relationship.  Love IS being vulnerable.  If I wasn’t vulnerable then I would be incapable of feeling love.  I love Anthony, and I’m going to give this all that I got.

 

The Trouble With Love Is

Love can be a many splendored thing
Can’t deny the joy it brings
A dozen roses, diamond rings
Dreams for sale and fairy tales
It’ll make you hear a symphony
And you just want the world to see
But like a drug that makes you blind
It’ll fool ya every time

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It’s stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

Now I was once a fool it’s true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world’s a deeper blue
I’m sadder but I’m wiser too
I swore I’d never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn’t worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It’s stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

Every time I turn around
I think I’ve got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin’
And I keep on fallin’
Over and over again
The sad story always ends the same
Me standin’ in the pourin’ rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It’s stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

Songwriters: EVAN A. ROGERS, CARL ALLEN STURKEN, KELLY BRIANNNE CLARKSON
© Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Universal Music Publishing Group
For non-commercial use only.
Data from: LyricFind
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Countdown of tears

I remember back in 2010, before I decided to become a meth addict and after I left Tony, the day that I decided it was time to live on my own again.  It was such a surreal day, walking into my sun drenched studio on Pine Grove Ave.  From my window I could see the Chicago Cubs sign that glowed above the entrance to the bleachers section of Wrigley Field.  In fact, when there was a night game, the bright lights illuminated the hallway of my building, casting unusual shadows on the imperfections of the plaster walls as I approached my door after a long day of cutting hair.  Looking back, this is when I created a new identity that somewhat still defines me today.  It’s the beginning of an era when I stopped worrying about what people thought of me and started to love myself.  Up until this point I was still that scared little boy that hid in the shadows of insecurity an uncertainty.  Recovering from the wounds inflicted by life, becoming a target for someone like Tony to sweep down and catch as prey.

I really miss the guy I was then.  He died forever when I moved to Rogers Park and met what I can metaphorically refer to as “The Devil”.  This label can easily describe a few different things that lead to the fall of the strong man that I was starting to become.  The Devil could be Marc, Peter, Mike Northwestern, or the evil life changing drug itself: Crystal Meth.

It’s 2017, and I was able to escape death by a narrow margin.  I sometimes don’t know why I did survive the fate that I truly welcomed at one point in time but I did.  the things that I saw, the other things that I did and those experiences will haunt me forever.  My innocence was taken from me, something that I will never get back.  I’m happy and proud to be the man that I am, but a huge part of me will always wonder who I could have been if I never hit that pipe.  If I never stuck that needle in my arm, who would I be today?

My boyfriend today has a similar background.  He has felt the pain I have felt, and along with that pain comes the pleasure too.  It’s hard for me to think about that too long.  I don’t want to think about the man that I love being in any of the truly immoral situations I was ever in.  If I’ve had an infinite number of sexual partners then the truth is that he probably has also.  My thoughts get preoccupied on the idea that I will never be good enough, that I could never be better then that high.  Can two addicts recover together or will there always be this demon lurking in the dark part of our being that will want to come out and try to sabotage the love that we have for each other?  Is this real? Did I really find the man I am going to be with forever, because that’s what it feels like.  It feels amazing.  It feels scary.

I’m going to continue to move forward down the cracked brick road of recovery.   Maybe I did loose my innocence through the process of self discovery and had a taste of the dark side, but that has made me who I am today.  Who knows, maybe the desire I have always had, the desire to self destruct will never return now that I fed the thirsty part of my tarnished soul.  Now I can focus on being the best boyfriend, brother, teacher, uncle and son that I was meant to me, because I already know what its like to be the worst and I never want to meet that man again.

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2016. The Best year ever.

moreno-e-emis-killa.jpg

Obviously the first thing I did before I came on here to recap my year, was to take a look back at my previous blog entries from this past year.  On the very first post, https://ziosattic.wordpress.com/2016/01/18/when-things-cant-get-any-worse-thats-when-they-start-to-get-better/  I came across a statement that fully described how I felt going into 2016…

“Life is still in a transition.  I still live with my parents, and I’m still in school.  Sometimes I feel like it’s never going to get better, or when it does, I won’t know how be responsible as an adult.  I know my thoughts are opinions, not facts, but that doesn’t stop them from getting the best of me sometimes.  Especially days I’m on a no carb diet, but that’s a completely different story for another day.”

With that said, all I can say back is that 2016 was the best year ever.  Or at least that I’ve had in the past 10 years.  In April, I graduated from school.  Immediately following my graduation I was offered a position teaching for the school I was doing my training at.  I was given the opportunity to go to Florida the day after I graduated.  I got to see my old friend Nathan from Ft. Myers on that vacation as well.  In July I got my own apartment with my own money and credit, using my charming personality and desire to always move forward as a driving force to get exactly what I wanted.  A new apartment in Oak Park.  In August, I went to Vegas and saw Mariah Carey!  A dream that the crack head 4 years ago wrote off as an impossible venture.  This vacation was the first time in years I felt free.  I got to feel like myself.  As well as everything was going, I was still struggling with the fact that dating was not my thing and was trying to get comfortable with that fact that I was going to be alone forever.  Then just like that, I met the man of my dreams.  I was able to love again.  The kinda love that makes your heart cramp, skip beats and feel so full, you’d think you would explode.   It’s been years since I could say those words, but I suddenly started to hear myself say those three dangerous words.  I love you.  As if that wasn’t enough, I bought a new car.  My down payment, my credit, my loan.  One more very important thing, Tony and I adopted a cat, Mars.

As far as my writing is concerned, I started my “Letters to Joey” series.  It has proved to be, and still will be a very therapeutic part of the creative process, allowing me to let go of what used to be, and fulfilling some undying need that I have to reach out to the guy that changed my life forever.  If it wasn’t for Joey, this amazing 2016 would have never happened.  This reality of mine would have never exsited if it wasn’t for three words from him.  Leave me alone.

Here’s t0 2017.  I hope to write a lot more.  I am planning on loving someone with my whole heart and not push love away.  Maintaining my lifestyle is all I hope to do this year, and continue to grow with the man I love.  Not on my own.  I’m going to be less selfish and I’m going to learn how to say no.  My biggest challenge is going to this relationship.  It’s going to be long term.  We are going to fight, there are going to be bad days, and I hope I’ve learned enough about life to handle all that comes my way with a grain of salt, to believe in love, and not let the small stuff ruin my day.  Happy 2017 readers, here it goes….

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“Dishes Are Done Man” and Other boy problems

This is the random quote of the day.  One of my students busted it out in the middle of wrapping a perm and I about fell on the floor.  Any 80’s baby knows that this line is from “Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitters Dead”.  For the nostalgia.

The entry below is from a draft I found of an old post.  I’m sure I intended to elaborate more on the subject, however I don’t remember exactly why I didn’t post it.  It bothers me because maybe two weeks after I wrote that, I came home after my Vegas vacation and broke off that relationship.  Just like that I didn’t like him anymore.  I’m posting it now because its weird that I felt those feelings for them to just stop.  What is WRONG with me??

I have been striking out so bad in the dating department.  It’s cause I’m picky, they are too young, too clingy, too boring, too much of a party…just too much.  My problem lies in becoming vulnerable.  I absolutely try to have complete control over my life and its understandable.  For so many years I had absolutely no control over my life.  Or so I thought.  I allowed drugs and my emotions to govern everything I did.  Now that I have taken my life back for myself, I don’t want to give up to anybody.  Until now…

Steven, within a week has made me feel all types things that I haven’t felt in years.  I mean years.  I don’t even know if I felt this way about Jason, considering my feelings for him were driven mostly through chemicals.  I would be proud and honored to call him my boyfriend.  I don’t see why he wouldn’t be in the near future.  I have felt so comfortable with him and already see that he really brings out the best in me.

So there it is.  I need to get it together.  Maybe I saw the Vegas light.  I know I did, and maybe this has more to do with it, than the guy I fucked around with when I was there.  Steven turned out to be the stalker type and was just another guy in love with an idea of me, and what I looked like rather then who I am.  He wanted to change me, he was attracted to that Britney Spears animal instinct that I have rather then the man that I am.  The problem is not with me.  The problem is letting people in before I know their intentions.  He was a waste of time.

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Letters to Joey….1

Dear Joey,

It’s has taken me 7 months to be able to mention your name, to face reality instead of pretend that I never even met you.  It’s been 7 months and I can finally say your name without beginning to cry.  7 whole months since I’ve loved somebody with all my being, even though it seemed like I only loved myself.  I miss you.

Today is Valentines Day.  Last year I remember that you came over to my apartment and brought me over my big stuffed dog.  I named him “Jelly Bean”.  That over the top, enormous stuffed dog became my pillow, as you know, and I slept with that guy every night until the end.  After you left that day, I threw myself onto my bed and buried my face into Jelly Bean.  I held on to him so tight, as I screamed into him, hopefully muffling my voice from the neighbors all around me.  I have never cried so hard in my life.  It was more then crying, it really was screaming.  That dog absorbed more tears that night then I have produced all year.  I still have him.  To keep him in my room would have been a torturous reminder that you were gone, but i did put him in a large box, in my brothers attic.  The attic itself is hard enough to be in because of all the time we spent together there.  I was thinking today that I’m glad I still have him, just in case you do come back to me, he would represent a bridge connecting our past to out present, always reminding me of how much you mean to me.

Can you believe I have not worked on a single furniture project since July?  I’m serious.  I went into rehab 5 days after you left me.  I spent most of the summer learning about myself and how to show up to be the man that I want to be in the world.  I attended NA and became sober for the first time since I was 15.  I have to tell you, because I think you will die.  They told me that I checked in with the highest THC count they have ever seen.  isn’t that crazy?  It’s funny and embarrassing at the same time!  I lost control of reality along time ago and saw how I used drugs to completely avoid that reality for many years.  I did 101 days completely sober of everything, then decided I should be able to have a drink like a normal human being.  I have also smoked here and there, but never at the capacity I was capable of before.  I was diagnosed for having an extreme anxiety disorder, and that I was NOT bi-polar after all.  My awesome doctor there changed all my medications and It feels good to actually feel “normal” again.

I am 7 weeks away from graduating school.  I had to put it off twice because of rehab, but I’m so glad I did.  I have the best class, and the best teacher.  It also looks like there are a few positions available and I could be a teacher by April.  TEACHING BY APRIL?  Everything has happened so quickly.  I am so busy. I still work at Vera’s and she is still crazy.  I have a second job at the neighborhood chop shop (I’ll explain some other time), while managing school and student teaching.  Who am I, right??

Everything has changed, and its changed because of you.  I hope that I get to show you the man that I have become since you left me.  I swear I think about you EVERYDAY.  I miss you so bad it hurts.  I hope you will miss me someday and call.  I’m always waiting to hear your special ringtone go off.  Someday I will.  I know it.  I love you.

 

Love Always,

D.D.

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Bad boys ain’t no good and good boys ain’t no fun

Of course this is the quote by some unknown (to me) author that dominates as my cover photo on my guilty pleasure known as Facebook.  It reinforces another saying that I live by: “The grass is always greener on the other side”.  This may partially explain my need for perfecting the grass inspired shade of green that I like to keep my hair.  Ironically, I just had to stop writing to take a hair cut, and my client asked me “why green?”, and I used the statement from above as an answer.

There is an AMAZING song by Sara Evans that really hits home for me.  I know I’m not alone, that I live in a world full of dreamers.  There is a huge handful of people in the world that will never feel satisfied.  I don’t think that’s always a bad thing, especially if that drives you to keep perfecting your life and promotes emotional and physical growth.  I’m just as curious about life as I was when I was 16 and knew nothing about the big bad world.  The song is called “I Keep Looking”.

spotify:track:6IqofHRLYynJ6lCypGrVpF

I Keep Looking

By Sara Evans

Back when I was young
Couldn’t wait to grow up
Get away and get out on my own
And looking back now
Ain’t it funny how
I’ve been trying to get back home, yeah

When my low self esteem
Needs a man loving me
And I find me a perfect catch
Then I see my friends
Having wild weekends
Then I don’t want to get quite so attached
Just as soon as I get what I want
I get unsatisfied
Good is good but could be better

I keep looking, I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what’s on the other side
Of the number two door
I keep looking
Looking for something more

Well, the straight haired girls
They all want curls
And the brunettes want to be blonde
It’s your typical thing
You got ying you want yang
It just goes on and on
They say, hey, it’s only human
To never be satisfied
Well I guess that I’m as human as the next one

Oh, I keep looking
I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what’s on the other side
Of the number two door
Yeah, I keep looking
Looking for something more

Just as soon as I get what I want
I get unsatisfied
Hey, good is good but could be better

I keep looking
I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what’s on the other side
Of the number two door
I keep looking
Looking for something more
Oh, looking for something more

Songwriters: SARA EVANS, TOM SHAPIRO, TONY MARTIN
© Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
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When things cant get any worse, thats when they start to get better

I hate that this is a “thing”.  I hate that I have to believe in this, that I have no choice but to have faith in something bigger then myself.  I hate that it’s seemingly true, that my so called life never seemed so hopeless in my 35 years as it was in July of 2015.  I hate I’ll be turning 36 and I know for a fact that he won’t be there with me this year like he was last year.  I hate how much I cried, how much it hurt and that I’m beginning to forget the worst pain I ever felt.

Sometimes I wake up and I feel OK, other days I get out of bed and I feel sad still.  Recently I’ve been waking  up and I feel angry, with an “its your loss” type attitude towards the only human being in the world that made me realize I was a monster.  What is different here than other days is the simple fact that I actually “wake up”.  I get up, I take a shower, I plan my day and move forward.  On July 1st of 2015 this seemingly simple way to start the day wasn’t possible.  The realization of what I became and who people saw me as in the world was crippling.  One of my best friends said “I know that you feel like you will never be normal again, but trust me, you will.” I did trust her and I can tell you that she was right.  Today I feel normal.  I am not crippled by my guilt.  I am anything but fake, and I’m not overly happy, and basking in the sunlight of new sobriety.

Life is still in a transition.  I still live with my parents, and I’m still in school.  Sometimes I feel like it’s never going to get better, or when it does, I won’t know how be responsible as an adult.  I know my thoughts are opinions, not facts, but that doesn’t stop them from getting the best of me sometimes.  Especially days I’m on a no carb diet, but that’s a completely different story for another day.

Even though I’m moving forward, and beginning to let go of the past, I know no matter how far ahead I get, it will haunt me forever.  I may forget how painful it was to loose him, and no matter how scared I may be someday I will forget, It’s certain my scars will last forever, and I’ll never forget his name.

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Imperfect. A Limerick (Assignment 4, Writing 201)

Imperfect.

So I met a boy who wants me to sing,

I picked up some country, it has a good ring.

Now I’m trying to learn all the words of this song,

Sounds imperfect, the lyrics are  wrong.

The smiles and laughter this sure will bring!!!

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