Tag Archives: lonley

“Dishes Are Done Man” and Other boy problems

This is the random quote of the day.  One of my students busted it out in the middle of wrapping a perm and I about fell on the floor.  Any 80’s baby knows that this line is from “Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitters Dead”.  For the nostalgia.

The entry below is from a draft I found of an old post.  I’m sure I intended to elaborate more on the subject, however I don’t remember exactly why I didn’t post it.  It bothers me because maybe two weeks after I wrote that, I came home after my Vegas vacation and broke off that relationship.  Just like that I didn’t like him anymore.  I’m posting it now because its weird that I felt those feelings for them to just stop.  What is WRONG with me??

I have been striking out so bad in the dating department.  It’s cause I’m picky, they are too young, too clingy, too boring, too much of a party…just too much.  My problem lies in becoming vulnerable.  I absolutely try to have complete control over my life and its understandable.  For so many years I had absolutely no control over my life.  Or so I thought.  I allowed drugs and my emotions to govern everything I did.  Now that I have taken my life back for myself, I don’t want to give up to anybody.  Until now…

Steven, within a week has made me feel all types things that I haven’t felt in years.  I mean years.  I don’t even know if I felt this way about Jason, considering my feelings for him were driven mostly through chemicals.  I would be proud and honored to call him my boyfriend.  I don’t see why he wouldn’t be in the near future.  I have felt so comfortable with him and already see that he really brings out the best in me.

So there it is.  I need to get it together.  Maybe I saw the Vegas light.  I know I did, and maybe this has more to do with it, than the guy I fucked around with when I was there.  Steven turned out to be the stalker type and was just another guy in love with an idea of me, and what I looked like rather then who I am.  He wanted to change me, he was attracted to that Britney Spears animal instinct that I have rather then the man that I am.  The problem is not with me.  The problem is letting people in before I know their intentions.  He was a waste of time.

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Letters to Joey….3

Hey Joey…

It’s your favorite time of the year, which of course is my least favorite time of the year.  Sooooo… I put up my Christmas tree this week and thought of you.  I remember you made a point to make sure I had a good Christmas the holiday we were together and you did.  I was nervous to put my tree up because the last time I had a tree up was our Christmas together and I knew there would be some keepsakes.  I came across the Chihuahua ornament.  Also was a photo card of you with your brothers.  There really are no words Joey.  I put the card on the tree.  You represent so much for me.   I  miss you so much.  I wanted to avoid the whole situation and leave the boxes all together in Dann’s attic, until Bonnie said to me “So you are telling me you are afraid of a box.”  When she put it that way, I had to face my anxiety to get over the situation.  Your memory keeps me going.  I hope that you saw the good in me and my potential because in the end, you are the one who brought it out in me.

 

Love Always, DD

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Letters to Joey….1

Dear Joey,

It’s has taken me 7 months to be able to mention your name, to face reality instead of pretend that I never even met you.  It’s been 7 months and I can finally say your name without beginning to cry.  7 whole months since I’ve loved somebody with all my being, even though it seemed like I only loved myself.  I miss you.

Today is Valentines Day.  Last year I remember that you came over to my apartment and brought me over my big stuffed dog.  I named him “Jelly Bean”.  That over the top, enormous stuffed dog became my pillow, as you know, and I slept with that guy every night until the end.  After you left that day, I threw myself onto my bed and buried my face into Jelly Bean.  I held on to him so tight, as I screamed into him, hopefully muffling my voice from the neighbors all around me.  I have never cried so hard in my life.  It was more then crying, it really was screaming.  That dog absorbed more tears that night then I have produced all year.  I still have him.  To keep him in my room would have been a torturous reminder that you were gone, but i did put him in a large box, in my brothers attic.  The attic itself is hard enough to be in because of all the time we spent together there.  I was thinking today that I’m glad I still have him, just in case you do come back to me, he would represent a bridge connecting our past to out present, always reminding me of how much you mean to me.

Can you believe I have not worked on a single furniture project since July?  I’m serious.  I went into rehab 5 days after you left me.  I spent most of the summer learning about myself and how to show up to be the man that I want to be in the world.  I attended NA and became sober for the first time since I was 15.  I have to tell you, because I think you will die.  They told me that I checked in with the highest THC count they have ever seen.  isn’t that crazy?  It’s funny and embarrassing at the same time!  I lost control of reality along time ago and saw how I used drugs to completely avoid that reality for many years.  I did 101 days completely sober of everything, then decided I should be able to have a drink like a normal human being.  I have also smoked here and there, but never at the capacity I was capable of before.  I was diagnosed for having an extreme anxiety disorder, and that I was NOT bi-polar after all.  My awesome doctor there changed all my medications and It feels good to actually feel “normal” again.

I am 7 weeks away from graduating school.  I had to put it off twice because of rehab, but I’m so glad I did.  I have the best class, and the best teacher.  It also looks like there are a few positions available and I could be a teacher by April.  TEACHING BY APRIL?  Everything has happened so quickly.  I am so busy. I still work at Vera’s and she is still crazy.  I have a second job at the neighborhood chop shop (I’ll explain some other time), while managing school and student teaching.  Who am I, right??

Everything has changed, and its changed because of you.  I hope that I get to show you the man that I have become since you left me.  I swear I think about you EVERYDAY.  I miss you so bad it hurts.  I hope you will miss me someday and call.  I’m always waiting to hear your special ringtone go off.  Someday I will.  I know it.  I love you.

 

Love Always,

D.D.

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The Attention Whore

Clearly we are talking about myself.  That’s all I ever talk about on my blog.  Me, myself, and I.    As far as I know, I’ve always been this way.  I’ve always demanded attention and I got it.  I still do.  As a little kid I was always talking, always wanting to be center stage.  The incomparable Britney Spears sings “All eyes on me, in the center of the ring, just like a circus…”, “All of the boys, and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy (F U C K ME), and of course my favorite song from her crazy days, “and the crowd is screaming gimmie gimmie more…”.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I have a lot in common with Britney Spears.

I know what it feels like for everyone to want to know me.  To be popular.  I know what its like to not feel that way too.  I changed my image.  I created the person I am today by taking bits and pieces of the people I wanted to be.  If people hate me, they are probably jealous.  Any press is good press.  I’m an ego maniac.  It comes at a price.  My amount of close friends is limited.  I’m afraid  to let people in and know the “real me”.  I don’t think I fully trust anyone, because I know there are people that love to watch me fall.  I’m pure entertainment in all forms of the word.  It fuels me.  It keeps me alive.  The older I get I watch the ways I seek out attention change.  My career path.  Being an educator, a whole new outlet for people to look up to me.  This time its a positive change.

When I had no self esteem something grabbed my attention and changed me.  It sounds sick, gross, immoral, and wrong.  Everything I wanted at the time.  I became an escort.  Never number one, but always number 2 as far as requests.  People wanted me.  It was refreshing.  I got off on the fact that these men wanted me so bad.  It turned me on to be wanted for the show.  Doing porn came natural.  It was a job.  I was entertaining.  My body became a commodity.  Something for sale.  Sex meant nothing other then money.  Lots of it.  I pretended to be something different to each client.  The stories I came up with on my way to a call glorified the situation.  I loved playing a character and being someone that I wasn’t.  I guess I didn’t love the real me, but I’d never trade that time of my life for anything.  No regrets.

I’m desired.  I’ve never felt love.  No one has loved me.  They have desired me.  Lust, not love.  I don’t think I’ll ever know what it feels like to be loved.  Its my fault, I don’t do anything to be loved.  I push everyone way.  It’s what I do.  It’s my “thing”.

I get what I want so its not all so bad.  I get the job, I get the boy almost EVERY time.  My Tinder is blowing up and my stalkers are at an all time high.  I can’t be in a relationship because I don’t want to loose my fans.  I’m a mess!! Sometimes I hate myself and that’s crazy because a lot of people would want to be me, look like me.  Beauty comes at a price.  The problem with me is that I always want something more.  More from myself, more from a relationship, more from life.  I’ll never be content, however I’m not sure that I’ll even want to be complacent in where I am and what I am doing.  It’s me, a free spirit.

I get scared of what is in store for me when my looks fade.  I’m all ready getting fat and developing old age spots on my face from too much tanning.  Will my personality be enough? Will I be able to inspire people with my knowledge of life?  Will I die alone?  Is that so bad anyways?  Who knows.  God knows.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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