Tag Archives: music

Letters to Joey….4

Oh Joey,

Happy New Year.  You know what you did?  You set me up to have one hell of a 2016.  I even got a post about it calling it 2016. The Best year ever.  Thank you.  I know you did what you did so you could save yourself, but boy did you ever save me.  I can never loose the memory of what it felt like to loose you.  To loose EVERYTHING.  In rehab they taught us to “play the tape through”, meaning when you start to romanticize about how it felt to get high, be high, you play that tape through in your head all the way to the end.  My tape always ends with you.  I never want to feel like I felt when you closed the door on me that hot July day.

It’s CRAZY how far removed I feel from that crack head of a mess that lived at 413 Main St. It nuts how much someone can actually grow the fuck up when they sober up and stop doing drugs.  July 6 will mark 2 years since I gave up on the old me and started to become the man that everyone knows today.  I wish I could go back in time to prevent July 1, 2015 from ever happening, but it happened for the best.

I hear you got a boyfriend.  Dann likes to throw little “Joey” comments out there once in a while.  You know what an insensitive dick he can be sometimes.  I’m happy for you.  I hope its everything that I wanted you to find.  I knew you could find more then I ever was back then.  It still sucks and hurts a little that you won’t talk to me.  I wish you could see me today.  I bet I’m more then you could have imagined I could become, however a part of me believes that you always saw the potential that I had.  I also am dating someone.  It’s more then that.  I love him.  He has the same birthday as you.  He’s moving in and everything which is a huge step for me!  We adopted a cat named Mars and it was a little bittersweet because it of course reminded me of Chola and Sherwin and how quickly I was able to loose my “family” before, but I’m a different guy now.  I really feel like time works itself out and Anthony came into my life at the perfect time.

We both have back rounds in addiction.  He’s almost a year clean.  It scares me.  I don’t know how you put up with me.  Not only were you patient, but you believed that I could stop using Meth.  I mean, fuck, you didn’t even know what it was until you met me.  I am not sure at all how I would handle if Anthony went back out again.  That’s one of the scariest parts of this relationship.  I do, however, believe strongly in him.  I’m pretty intuitive and my gut tells me that it’s gonna be me and him for a long time.  It’s hard though knowing that the kind of trouble I got in, he did also.  I was so damn manipulative though, the worst human EVER.  I tattooed it on my arm even!  I get all quiet when something about drugs comes up in conversation.  It’s like I obviously know we did them, but I just can’t talk about it.  Not with him.  I don’t want to know who he was then.  I don’t want to think of him as that guy because he isn’t.  I’m not an idiot and can figure out on my own what kinda bullshit went down.  In fact, it gets me angry.  Maybe jealous.  Anger is a secondary emotion so maybe that’s what I’m feeling.  Regardless, its hard for me in general to talk about drugs with other users.

On my front door I still have my little blue key that you gave me.  That’s probably one of the most sentimental things that I have today.   I got a new car, and now that my apartment is about to become OUR apartment when he moves in, I’m going to move it to my car.  You keep me clean.  You still keep me sober.  You made me better for him.  I miss you everyday.  I hope this is the year I get to see you again.

Love Always,  DD

 

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The Trouble With Love Is…

The Trouble With Love Is- Kelly Clarkson

Music is my best friend.  It always has, and always will be until the end of my days.  Any time of my life that I felt discouraged, felt like I didn’t belong, felt like I was all alone in the world with my thoughts or feelings, music was right there letting me know that my feelings were valid.  I don’t know if it’s my personality or the burden of being a Pisces, but I’ve always been an overly emotional and sensitive person.

One thing that I noticed worked very well for me over the past few years in suppressing some of the crippling emotions that take me over was staying single.  Even when I was dating, no one and I mean NO ONE had my 100 percent attention the way that Anthony does.  In fact, I know that part of the success of 2016 was that I didn’t allow myself to fall in love.  There was no one really worth falling in love with.  I had confidence and knew my self worth.  With that said, having finally met my match, I find myself feeling a rage of emotions that I haven’t had to feel in many years.  Love, desire, adoration, just to name a few.  Along with the good also comes the bad.  Insecurity, feeling vulnerable and what I consider to be the ugliest emotion: Jealousy.

Even though I let my thoughts run wild sometimes, music teaches me not only that I will be OK, but also that I am far from alone.  Think about it.  Not only does the artist who is writing or preforming the song have the same feelings as I do, but also enough people in the general population feel these feelings for it to even become a contender for a place on an album.  Sometimes these masterpieces even become number 1 singles, further proving one fact.  You are not alone.

In conclusion, I am not alone in love.  It’s natural to feel the good and the bad.  As long as I know that I love him and at the end of the day I know that he loves me, we will continue to grow and move forward in our relationship.  Love IS being vulnerable.  If I wasn’t vulnerable then I would be incapable of feeling love.  I love Anthony, and I’m going to give this all that I got.

 

The Trouble With Love Is

Love can be a many splendored thing
Can’t deny the joy it brings
A dozen roses, diamond rings
Dreams for sale and fairy tales
It’ll make you hear a symphony
And you just want the world to see
But like a drug that makes you blind
It’ll fool ya every time

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It’s stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

Now I was once a fool it’s true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world’s a deeper blue
I’m sadder but I’m wiser too
I swore I’d never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn’t worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It’s stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

Every time I turn around
I think I’ve got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin’
And I keep on fallin’
Over and over again
The sad story always ends the same
Me standin’ in the pourin’ rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It’s stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

Songwriters: EVAN A. ROGERS, CARL ALLEN STURKEN, KELLY BRIANNNE CLARKSON
© Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Universal Music Publishing Group
For non-commercial use only.
Data from: LyricFind
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