Tag Archives: school

Happy Birthday Fool

It’s my mother fuckin’ birthday!  It’s my damn birthday.  Who really is excited to turn 37.  What the hell kinda joke is 37? Has anyone even anticipated their 37th birthday?  Shit.  Has anyone ever anticipated a birthday after 21?  That was so long ago I can’t even answer that question.

My thirties have been odd.  I finally had a birthday without Tony, and then I decided to take my drug use to a whole new level and call in an addiction. I created an empire around a drug called meth, sitting on top of the world, or so I thought, and then unexpectedly got knocked down so low, I couldn’t get up without help from rehab, outpatient, family and friends.  I lost not one, but three “best friends” in a year while repairing relationships with people I thought I lost a long time ago.  I wanted to die, I thought I would die, I KNEW I would die, and then I saved myself.  I got stuck some place in between young and old, daddy status and being a daddy chaser.  I recovered, but never really felt whole until a Vegas vacation changed my view of life.  Right when I got comfortable being alone, I met the man that I plan on spending the rest of my life with.  That’s how the story goes.  Today I don’t feel like I have all the answers.  I’m smart enough to know that I won’t have those answers tomorrow either.  I went back to school, and started a new career, going from being my own boss to having 50 bosses and living in constant fear that I may loose my job because my maturity level won’t ever match my age.  Basically, I’m growing up.

My wish for myself if that I continue to see the progress made and not to backtrack ruminating about my life that has passed.  Sometimes the lines between being an addict that’s on top of the world, even if its superficial, and being this new, seemingly boring version of myself get dangerously close.  Thank god someone taught me how to play the tape through, always saving the day when I think I want to go back to the thrill and excitement of the games I used to play, and the playgrounds I played them on.

I may not have what other people my age have, but I’m only aware of the world around me because I stopped doing drugs.  I have a hell of a lot more then I had two years ago and that is a FACT.  Everything else is just a thought or opinion that needs to be shut down on the bad days that I have them.

I need to promise myself this:  I promise to continue to grow and not let minor set backs break me.  I promise to not be afraid to say what I feel, and to always do my best with my relationships I have and the people around me. I promise to not get upset about not being perfect.  I promise to continue to be weird and eccentric for these are the qualities that make me who I am.  If I can’t be myself at 37 I never will be.  A fool at 40 is a fool forever, and my momma didn’t raise no fool.

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Damn FERPA!!!

So if you could believe it, this year, the state of Illinois issued me an education license in my trade.  That’s right, I am a teacher.  I’m a role model.  I’m also a fantasy. (Get it, teacher/student? haha).   Actually, I worked pretty hard for this and really love what I do.

Obviously, in this country that we call free, is a dumb law prohibiting you from repeating information about another student to anyone.  Makes sense, I will admit it.  It’s called FERPA (Family Education Right to Privacy Act).  I just don’t like it.

The problem is that it’s a law!  I hear so much crazy shit that it eats my soul that I cannot tell someone the gossip.  I live for the moments when a situation concerns two or more teachers because then we can talk about it!  The law doesn’t say I can’t talk shit, just that I can’t give information to another party.  If other people were involved in the incident, I’m golden!

Thankfully I have an amazing man at home to share all these crazy stories with or I would explode, and be fired.  In fact, if there is ever going to be a reason that I would be fired from my job, I think this will be it.  I catch myself at least 5 times a day talking about things that I shouldn’t.  It’s in my nature to gossip.  It makes the day go so much quicker.  🙂

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Countdown of tears

I remember back in 2010, before I decided to become a meth addict and after I left Tony, the day that I decided it was time to live on my own again.  It was such a surreal day, walking into my sun drenched studio on Pine Grove Ave.  From my window I could see the Chicago Cubs sign that glowed above the entrance to the bleachers section of Wrigley Field.  In fact, when there was a night game, the bright lights illuminated the hallway of my building, casting unusual shadows on the imperfections of the plaster walls as I approached my door after a long day of cutting hair.  Looking back, this is when I created a new identity that somewhat still defines me today.  It’s the beginning of an era when I stopped worrying about what people thought of me and started to love myself.  Up until this point I was still that scared little boy that hid in the shadows of insecurity an uncertainty.  Recovering from the wounds inflicted by life, becoming a target for someone like Tony to sweep down and catch as prey.

I really miss the guy I was then.  He died forever when I moved to Rogers Park and met what I can metaphorically refer to as “The Devil”.  This label can easily describe a few different things that lead to the fall of the strong man that I was starting to become.  The Devil could be Marc, Peter, Mike Northwestern, or the evil life changing drug itself: Crystal Meth.

It’s 2017, and I was able to escape death by a narrow margin.  I sometimes don’t know why I did survive the fate that I truly welcomed at one point in time but I did.  the things that I saw, the other things that I did and those experiences will haunt me forever.  My innocence was taken from me, something that I will never get back.  I’m happy and proud to be the man that I am, but a huge part of me will always wonder who I could have been if I never hit that pipe.  If I never stuck that needle in my arm, who would I be today?

My boyfriend today has a similar background.  He has felt the pain I have felt, and along with that pain comes the pleasure too.  It’s hard for me to think about that too long.  I don’t want to think about the man that I love being in any of the truly immoral situations I was ever in.  If I’ve had an infinite number of sexual partners then the truth is that he probably has also.  My thoughts get preoccupied on the idea that I will never be good enough, that I could never be better then that high.  Can two addicts recover together or will there always be this demon lurking in the dark part of our being that will want to come out and try to sabotage the love that we have for each other?  Is this real? Did I really find the man I am going to be with forever, because that’s what it feels like.  It feels amazing.  It feels scary.

I’m going to continue to move forward down the cracked brick road of recovery.   Maybe I did loose my innocence through the process of self discovery and had a taste of the dark side, but that has made me who I am today.  Who knows, maybe the desire I have always had, the desire to self destruct will never return now that I fed the thirsty part of my tarnished soul.  Now I can focus on being the best boyfriend, brother, teacher, uncle and son that I was meant to me, because I already know what its like to be the worst and I never want to meet that man again.

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325.16 Hours

Hell yeah!  I am 325.16 hours into a 600 hour educators course to be able to teach cosmetology.  I started in October and should be done in April.  This seemingly short space of time has seemed like an eternity, with 1000 years still ahead of me.  It would not seem so long if I wasn’t part of a growing trend called “thirtysomethings moving in with the parents”.  A.K.A. Hell.  Notice how I refer this to a “growing trend”. I have no problem being just like everyone else if that means living at home with your parents is normal.  Call me basic if you must.

It’s not that living with my parents is hell.  They are great.  I get to eat, sleep, and do laundry for free.  Also they have tried to make it as comfortable as possible for me.  It’s being 35, and living with your parents that I have a problem with.  Take away a mans independence and you might as well leave him to die.  Most of my ego was surrounded by my apartment, and the pieces of furniture I built, refurbished, or broke on my own.

The craziest part of all, is that it’s almost done.  I will be able to move sooner then later as I wrap up school.  Three months from now I can guarantee that my life is going to be different then it is today.  Time will tell what that change will be but I can guarantee  that I have no clue where I will be.  Whatever happens to lie ahead for me, I can promise you one thing: I earned it.  Not only because of the amount of work I put in to be here right now, but because I truly believe that we choose our own destiny.

I can only hope that the next 274.84 hours fly by just as much and are as enjoyable as the first 325.16 were!!

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