Tag Archives: self love

Fuck Stella! This boy got his groove back.

To know me is to love me and to love me is to know that I’m a lot to deal with.  Life was never ordinary due to my overwhelming need to push boundaries and stand out in a crowd.  Naturally I found everything in drugs and lost it all because of them.  My longest relationship has been with illegal substances and some legal ones also.

Two years ago I went to rehab, and I have been narcotic free since then.  It was soooooo hard!!! That time of my life was insane.  As I built my life back up, I could never feel as full as I did during the romantic era of my addiction for some reason.  Every time I crossed a mile marker in my recovery or achieved another type of personal goal I would hope to wake up and feel whole again.  I didn’t.

I felt that maybe it was because I was single.  I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but I was dating a lot.  I’m a sucker for the chase, as well as an attention whore.  I met Anthony and the rest is history.  Basically we have been together everyday since we met.  He lives with me now, or I should say we live together.  I felt like I was getting my life back, but then the friend equation was taken out of my days and I felt lost again after the relationship became more of a routine and settled into something long term.   I wasn’t in the salon or going out and drinking anymore so socially, there was nothing.

Everything happens for a reason.  Three years ago I left my job at the barbershop.  Two years ago they refused to give me my job back and this was the second time I asked.  That was the trigger that sent me on my final decline into the aggressive world of meth.  I went to rehab and two years later earned the respect back I had lost.  The barbershop decided to give me another chance.  Which is were I am now…

Earning the good part back of a horrible life saved me.  I feel like myself again.  I’m around co workers and clients that KNOW me.  Everyone else prior only knew the new version of me.  I made amazing new friendships along this journey but I always felt like something was missing because everyone around me only knew half of who I was.  Now, I feel 100%.  I have the best of both worlds, and live in a happy home.  God knows there are going to be a ton of days I don’t want my life, or miss being a reckless member of society, however my thoughts always come back, and I’m reeled back into daydreaming about how good it is, compared to how it could have been.

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Thansgiving without the Paparazzi

The holidays blow.  It’s Depression Eve, the beginning of a season I have grown to hate.  It’s the time of the year when you can find me alone at a family party or as the third wheel with my brother and sister in-law. I never thought that I’d be single at 35.  I mean, EVERYONE LOVES ME!!  For real, at this point I’m almost the full package.  Whoa is me is the familiar song playing on repeat over the holiday season coming from my loud pie hole.

Today is January 22, and I’m already over it.  I want to be alone.  I choose to be alone, and most importantly, it has nothing to do with who wants me, Who do I want?  I don’t want anyone.  I’m the reason that I’m single and also the one who calls the shots when its time for a relationship to end.

I have so many things that I want to do in my life, that I know would be strongly compromised or influenced by someone if I was in a relationship.  It took one hell of a long time for me to love the imperfect angel that is me, and I want to enjoy myself.  Besides, its not fair to serial date anyone, knowing damn well I’ve never had real love in my life when I didn’t love myself.  Back then I was searching for any soul to fill the void that I had in my own.  It wasn’t until I realized that my soul didn’t need to be fed (I was getting nothing out of being a slut), but fixed and filled with only things that I could produce.

I’ve never been the type to fake being with anyone.  Those relationships get boring very quick, as well as the ones with the boys that don’t quit.  It sucks because If a celebrity millionaire fell in love with me, and I wasn’t in love with him, Id have to turn him down at the alter.  Sure, I would do it for a few vacations and some nice high-tops, but at the end of the day, I could never spend the rest of my life with someone that I did not love, no matter who they were or how much money they had.

I don’t know what the future holds for me.  I will  remember that even though it may be another Thanksgiving without the paparazzi, that I’m OK and it’s going to be OK because I love myself and that’s the hardest thing to do.

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